We all have email, thus we all get silly mail from time to time. Annoying mail. Potentially threatening mail. Scam mail. It's very frustrating no? Especially when you spring up out of bed like a kid on Christmas to check your inbox for job replies only to discover some ridiculous phishing scheme from a Swiss textile manufacurer asking if they can wire you some money. We can save the Social Darwinism debate for another time. Right now, I'd like you to read this crap:
Our company is a Zweifel Textile Machinery, Switzerland. We produce and distribute clothing materials such as batiks, assorted fabrics,pencil or airbrush mixed with color pencils to Digital artworks and traditional costume worldwide. We have reached big sales volume of textile materials in the Europe and now we are trying to penetrate the US and Canada market. Quite soon we will open representative offices or authorized sales centers in all the state in the US and therefore we are currently looking for people who will assist us in establishing a new distribution network in your area for now. The fact is that despite the US and Canada market is new for us we already have regular clients also speaks for itself.
We are looking for representatives in your area who will work for us as partime or full time and we will be willing to pay 10% percent on every transaction. This job would not affect your present state of work, all we need is someone who would help us recieve payment from ou r customers in your area.
A responsible and reliable person who is trustworthy and honest will fit in to this category due to the cost of relocating and getting payment is very expensive and inefficient for us .Branches have been set up in few countries and states with our head office in Canada . We are working on setting up a branch in your locality but for now we need a representative in your area who will be handling the payment aspect.
WHAT YOU NEED TO DO FOR US?
The international money transfer tax for legal entities (companies) in Switzerland is 25%, whereas for the individual it is only 7%.There is no sense for us to work this way, while tax for international money transfer made by a private individual is 7% .That's why we need you! We need agents or representatives to receive payment for our textiles( in money orders, check or bank wire transfers) and to resend the money to us via Money Gram or Western Union Money Transfer. This way we will save money because of tax decreasing.
JOB DESCRIPTION?
1. Receive payment from Clients
2. Cash Payments at your Bank
3. Deduct 10% which will be your percentage/pay on Payment processed.
4. Forward balance after deduction of percentage/pay to any of the offices you will be contacted to send payment to(Payment is to forwarded either by Money Gram or Western Union Money Transfer).
HOW MUCH WILL YOU EARN?
10% from each operation! For instance: you receive 7000 USD via checks or money orders on our behalf. You will cash the money and keep $700 (10% from $7000) for yourself! At the beginning your commission will equal 10%, though later it will increase up to 12%!
ADVANTAGES
You do not have to go out as you will work as an independent contractor right from your home office. Your job is absolutely legal. You can earn up to $3000-4000 monthly depending on time you will spend for this job. You do not need any capital to start. You can do the Work easily without leaving or affecting your present Job. The employees who make efforts and work hard have a strong possibility to become managers. Anyway our employees never leave us due to our excellent work condition.
MAIN REQUIREMENTS
Under the age of 80,legally capable and responsible,ready to work 3-4 hours per week. with PC knowledge,e-mail and internet experience (minimal) And please know that Everything is absolutely legal, that's why You have to fill a contract! If you are interested in our offer, please respond with the following details for us to reach you.
NOTICE :
We will never ask you for anything more then that, no bank account number, routing number, credit card, passwords, SSN # etc. If anyone asks for those on our behalf, please do not give out this info. This is to ensure your security and non-involvement in cases of identity theft. If anyone ask you for any of those info in our notice please kindly report to your nearest local or federal authorities.
* Full Names_______________
* Address(Not A P.O BOX)__________________
* City_____________________
* State____________________
* Postal Code_______________
* Phone___________________
* Email___________________
* Age_____________________
* Present Occupation_______________
* Marital Status_____________
* Sex_____________________
* Bank Name_________________
Thanks for your anticipated action. And we hope to hear back from you.
Thanks and best regards.
C.E.O
--
Well hot damn! Looks like I've hit the jackpot! Enough is enough. I'm not sure if some Swiss bastard is rifling through the excited responses and personal information of a host of dumb American shmucks, but if there is such a person, he will be receiving a piece of my mind. Here is my response. Enjoy:
Dearest Jonathan Oliver,
Funny you should contact me. I fucking LOVE textile machinery! I would be thrilled to join in the "batik" business, and I don't even know what the shit a batik is! Who cares! After all, you've clearly "reached big sales volume of textile materials in the Europe," so, yea... show me where to sign! What's that? You're looking to set up a branch in my locality? My goodness, what luck! I had no idea I lived in such a hotbed of "pencil or airbrush mixed with color pencils to Digital artworks and traditional costume" activity! I'm in textile heaven! So let me see if I have this figured out:
-You send me money.
-I take 10% of that money.
-I send you the rest of the money.
-Transaction Complete!
Well fuck me! What a phenomenal proposition! Frankly Mr. Oliver, I'm a bit concerned that Zweifel Textile Machinery stands to lose quite a bit of profit on this little expansion effort. But hey, what do I know? Your Jonathan Oliver for Chrissake! You know what you're doing! Who am I to question YOUR business acumen! I'm ready to bust my hump here, like you said, maybe someday I can climb the ranks and become a manager! Then I'LL be the one sending non-sensical, bullshit, broken-english emails to complete strangers asking them for personal information, assuring them of the validity of some ridiculous textile company making God-knows-what, and then later demanding their bank information! With a lot of hard work and more than a smidge of luck, perhaps one day in the distant future, I'LL be the one sending thousands of dollars to trustworthy Americans, encouraging them to remove 10% for no reason whatsoever! Well I guess I can fucking retire at this point. From here on out it's a few weekly trips to the bank, a wheelbarrow or two of wire transfers, and BAM!--nothing left to do but sit back and count my riches! 10% at a time! Hooray!
Oh right, my info:
Full Name: Mr. Edward Magorium
Address: The Wonder Emporium
1137 Enchantment Lane
12345, Magictown, U.S.A
Phone: I don't believe in phones. I use messenger owls.
Email: Again, owls.
Age: 79 (Thank Christ!)
Present Occupation: I run the wonder emporium. Of course that's all done with now. I'm going to set it ablaze and collect the insurance money so I can start focusing on the REAL task at hand. Recieveing checks, subtracting 10% of their worth, and then sending them back to you.
Marital Status: Bitterly, miserably divorced. It gets very lonely at the emporium these days.
Sex: No time! We have batiks to produce!
Bank Name: Shoebox under my tempur-pedic.
Well that should cover all the bases I think. Now all I need from YOU Mr. Oliver, is the following:
Your SS#
Bank Account Information
Mother's Maiden Name
Blood Type
Favorite Color
Most Painful Memory
Age of First Kiss
Strand of Hair
Semen
Handprint
Nail Clippings
Favorite Jonas Brother
I look forward to doing business with one another Mr. Oliver. Something tells me this is the start of a beaaauuuuuuuutiful friendship. Please act now. We have little time to waste.
Fuck Right Off,
Me.
--
I'll let you all know if I get a response.
Magorium Out.
Friday, March 13, 2009
Friday, February 27, 2009
A Sad Day In Bulls History
Fiery Bulls commentator and former all-star point guard 'Stormin' Norm Van Lier unexpectedly passed away at the age of 61 yesterday. He was found dead in his condo after failing to report for an afternoon broadcast.
Then, around 9:50 last evening, Johnny 'Red' Kerr passed away after a quiet, dignified battle with prostate cancer. Thank God he was alive to be a part of his tribute, though one wishes he would have been in better health to enjoy it.
R.I.P. gentlemen. You will be missed.
Basketball more than a game to all-time city great- Mark J. Konkol and Lacy J. Banks, Sun Times
Ex-Chicago Bull Norm Van Lier, who played hard, lived hard, dies at 61- Rick Morrissey, Tribune
Kerr touched generations of Bulls Fans- Jim O' Donnell, Sun Times
Former Chicago Bulls broadcaster, coach Johnny 'Red' Kerr dead at 76- Melissa Isaacson, Tribune
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Would You Rather...
First, on a random note, here's some advice:
When you buy a Crockpot, and you live by yourself, and you're at the supermarket gathering materials for a pot roast recipe that allegedly serves 6-10 people, don't shrug that information off. Don't assume that you can, or will want, to eat enough pot roast to feed a moderately sized Mormon family. You can probably finish it off eventually, but it will take some serious creativity and a whole boat load of tenacity. Not to mention you will grow enormously tired of pot roast.
(If anyone wants some, drop me a line. I'll cram it in an envelope and express mail it to your home.)
Moving on.
This is the beginning of a new installment here at The Gettin' Place. You all know, I trust, or are at least vaguely familiar with how the "Would You Rather" game is played.
Well it's not really a game per say... it's more of an exercise. My friends and I used to spend countless hours posing serious social quandaries to one another... quandaries that could have only one of two possible outcomes. This invariably led to some stimulating and generally hilarious discussion. Now, if you're thinking these are your stereotypical drinking game booklet questions about eating bugs and hygiene and perverse sexual activity... for the most part, you're off base. For example, one of our time tested regulars was whether you would rather strangle your dog to death or stab a homeless man... I'm going to refrain from diving into specifics on that one.
Anyways, I feel this site could be a great forum for discussion on these matters. I heartily encourage all of you reading to contribute to the debate in the comments section at the end of this post. I also must stress--and this will be my final point before I get down to business--that you can take these situations as far outside the box as you see fit. I'm sure you'll figure it out and this will all go swimmingly...
So without further ado, here's our first question, posed to me by my friend Zilla, a true visionary of the "would you rather" art form:
Would you rather be able to fly or have a credit card that you would never have to pay the balance on?
The details on flight:
Your power of flight is very similar to that of a commercial airliner, speed-wise. You top out at 500 mph. You are not effected by temperature or altitude. You are free to fly whenever, and wherever, you please. You can even take ladies up into the air with you-- a la Superman or Aladdin minus the carpet--for romantic purposes. My immediate retort was in regard to the difficulty level of carrying a woman in the air for an extended period of time. (And I should pause to say, ladies, you can take men up there too if you see fit, but I have a strong feeling they may feel a bit effeminate being carried through the clouds and will, as a result, object your flight proposition. Of course, there can also be same sex air trysts... I don't judge.) I figured that without super strength, it may be a bit strenuous carrying someone around like that. Having to piggy back your baberham of choice would probably drop the romantic value of the excursion several notches. However, my friend and confidant assured me that when it comes to taking people into the sky, you are temporarily granted the ability to carry your passenger without difficulty. So you've got that going for you. Which is nice.
There are limitations of course. No breaking the sound barrier obviously. No Outer space.
Still, you can use your power however you please. For the good of the land, for personal benefit and monetary gain, for evil, whatever. The choice is yours. But mind you this:
"With great power, comes great responsibility" -Uncle Ben, Spiderman
The details on the card:
This is not just an infinite supply of money, let's get that straight right off the bat.
Well... it kinda is. Here's the deal:
You have a million dollar limit per month. And to quote Zilla, "you can't buy companies or islands or shit like that." This is not a black card ladies and gentlemen, there are rules. Under no circumstances are you allowed to make a cash withdrawl. Nothing but swiping. If you can't swipe it, you can't have it. Swipety swipe swipe, swipety-doo.
Much like the power of flight, you can use your plastic however you see fit.
However... I implore you... ALL OF YOU...
Beware of hangers-on! Succubi and various other bloodsucking parasites draining your lifeforce, always begging, pleading, tugging at your shirt for handouts... asking you to buy Jagerbombs, over, and over, and over again! Soon you'll be swiping flapjacks for everyone at brunch! Annoying the shit out of every cab driver who makes the unfortunate mistake of scooping you and your entourage from the local watering hole! What's that? No, sorry Mr. cab driver. I don't have any cash.
Plus, you'll have to buy nachos at the ballpark for entire rows of spectators. A virtually endless trough of nachos!
Think about THAT!
So there. Your possibilities have been placed before you. Now you must choose your destiny. What path would I choose? After some serious deliberation, I eventually changed my mind and decided to opt for the power of flight. My reasoning? I'm sure you could raise plenty of scratch, one way or another, with your soaring ability. Plus, you get to fly. Which is really very fun I think. But enough about me. How do YOU feel?
Make yourself heard.
That is all.
When you buy a Crockpot, and you live by yourself, and you're at the supermarket gathering materials for a pot roast recipe that allegedly serves 6-10 people, don't shrug that information off. Don't assume that you can, or will want, to eat enough pot roast to feed a moderately sized Mormon family. You can probably finish it off eventually, but it will take some serious creativity and a whole boat load of tenacity. Not to mention you will grow enormously tired of pot roast.
(If anyone wants some, drop me a line. I'll cram it in an envelope and express mail it to your home.)
Moving on.
This is the beginning of a new installment here at The Gettin' Place. You all know, I trust, or are at least vaguely familiar with how the "Would You Rather" game is played.
Well it's not really a game per say... it's more of an exercise. My friends and I used to spend countless hours posing serious social quandaries to one another... quandaries that could have only one of two possible outcomes. This invariably led to some stimulating and generally hilarious discussion. Now, if you're thinking these are your stereotypical drinking game booklet questions about eating bugs and hygiene and perverse sexual activity... for the most part, you're off base. For example, one of our time tested regulars was whether you would rather strangle your dog to death or stab a homeless man... I'm going to refrain from diving into specifics on that one.
Anyways, I feel this site could be a great forum for discussion on these matters. I heartily encourage all of you reading to contribute to the debate in the comments section at the end of this post. I also must stress--and this will be my final point before I get down to business--that you can take these situations as far outside the box as you see fit. I'm sure you'll figure it out and this will all go swimmingly...
So without further ado, here's our first question, posed to me by my friend Zilla, a true visionary of the "would you rather" art form:
Would you rather be able to fly or have a credit card that you would never have to pay the balance on?
The details on flight:
Your power of flight is very similar to that of a commercial airliner, speed-wise. You top out at 500 mph. You are not effected by temperature or altitude. You are free to fly whenever, and wherever, you please. You can even take ladies up into the air with you-- a la Superman or Aladdin minus the carpet--for romantic purposes. My immediate retort was in regard to the difficulty level of carrying a woman in the air for an extended period of time. (And I should pause to say, ladies, you can take men up there too if you see fit, but I have a strong feeling they may feel a bit effeminate being carried through the clouds and will, as a result, object your flight proposition. Of course, there can also be same sex air trysts... I don't judge.) I figured that without super strength, it may be a bit strenuous carrying someone around like that. Having to piggy back your baberham of choice would probably drop the romantic value of the excursion several notches. However, my friend and confidant assured me that when it comes to taking people into the sky, you are temporarily granted the ability to carry your passenger without difficulty. So you've got that going for you. Which is nice.
There are limitations of course. No breaking the sound barrier obviously. No Outer space.
Still, you can use your power however you please. For the good of the land, for personal benefit and monetary gain, for evil, whatever. The choice is yours. But mind you this:
"With great power, comes great responsibility" -Uncle Ben, Spiderman
The details on the card:
This is not just an infinite supply of money, let's get that straight right off the bat.
Well... it kinda is. Here's the deal:
You have a million dollar limit per month. And to quote Zilla, "you can't buy companies or islands or shit like that." This is not a black card ladies and gentlemen, there are rules. Under no circumstances are you allowed to make a cash withdrawl. Nothing but swiping. If you can't swipe it, you can't have it. Swipety swipe swipe, swipety-doo.
Much like the power of flight, you can use your plastic however you see fit.
However... I implore you... ALL OF YOU...
Beware of hangers-on! Succubi and various other bloodsucking parasites draining your lifeforce, always begging, pleading, tugging at your shirt for handouts... asking you to buy Jagerbombs, over, and over, and over again! Soon you'll be swiping flapjacks for everyone at brunch! Annoying the shit out of every cab driver who makes the unfortunate mistake of scooping you and your entourage from the local watering hole! What's that? No, sorry Mr. cab driver. I don't have any cash.
Plus, you'll have to buy nachos at the ballpark for entire rows of spectators. A virtually endless trough of nachos!
Think about THAT!
So there. Your possibilities have been placed before you. Now you must choose your destiny. What path would I choose? After some serious deliberation, I eventually changed my mind and decided to opt for the power of flight. My reasoning? I'm sure you could raise plenty of scratch, one way or another, with your soaring ability. Plus, you get to fly. Which is really very fun I think. But enough about me. How do YOU feel?
Make yourself heard.
That is all.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Röyksopp- Happy Up Here
Proof that music videos can still be very cool when they want to be. The electro-pop duo have a Space Invaders thing going on here. The new album Junior is due on March 23rd. No word on whether it was inspired by the Schwarzenegger film of the same title...
Well shoot, it's pretty hard to top that montage, but here's that video I was originally talking about. I really set the bar unattainably high for the Röyksopp fellows. Sorry guys. Arnold can be distracting.
Well shoot, it's pretty hard to top that montage, but here's that video I was originally talking about. I really set the bar unattainably high for the Röyksopp fellows. Sorry guys. Arnold can be distracting.
Link: 
Kanye Does Storytellers
This Saturday, Feb. 28th at 9 PM EST, Kanye will perform on the VH1 Storytellers program, most likely sandwiched between "The Top 100 Songs of the 1890's" and some show called "Tool Academy." (Which is an actual show. Maybe some of you already knew that.) Regardless of what you may think of Mr. West, the man is a great entertainer, sometimes accidentally so. He's the type of artist who was tailor made for the Storytellers format. Why? The man loves to talk. Especially about himself. Knowing Kanye, he will go above and beyond the norm to make this a top-notch spectacle, and after watching this version of "Stronger," I have no doubts he will deliver. Should be mighty interesting to hear him talk about some of the cuts from 808's as well. Enjoy.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Bulls Trades Galore. And They're Actually Good.
Rejoice Bulls fans. Everyone can now wave a sweet, long goodbye to old Captain Hack 'N Flop.
So long Andres. You had your moments, many moons ago. Now take your Pert Plus and kindly leave. At least we'll always have the good times...
You. I don't even wanna look at you. Just get the hell out.
Sorry Dr. Turd Beard. Time to head on down the road.
The Swiss era has come to an end. You weren't meant to play basketball Thabo. According to Larry David, all your people do is ski and eat chocolate. (I couldn't find that particular clip, so I offer this instead.)
So, what do we get in return? Well the Sac-Town deal brings in Brad Miller (remember him?) and John "Smoked" Salmons. In Miller we get a big man known for his very solid passing, especially out of the high post, which should instantly help our young frontcourt (Noah and Thomas), not to mention Luol, who is at his best when cutting to the hoop. Miller can still shoot it from the top of the key too, which should make for a much better pick-and-pop situation with Derrick.
Salmons is having a career year, and does a bit of everything:
2009: 17.6 ppg, 4.0 rpg, 3.6 apg, 1.1 spg, 41.8 3PT%, 16.2 PER
So when you look at it, Miller acts as an upgrade over Drew Gooden who also fits better with our team chemistry. He's on contract for next year as well, but we would have had to sign someone to replace Gooden anyway. Salmons makes us better right now and gives us a replacement for Gordon if we're unable to resign him, which at this point, seems likely due to luxury tax shenanigans. Salmons has the option to opt out of his contract in 2010, and considering he's 30 right now, you have to figure he'll try and go get as much money as possible. Basically, these moves improve us in the short-term and put us in a better position to nab Chris Bosh in 2010, who, rumor has it, considers Chi-town his #1 destination.
Sending out Larry Hughes brings back another malcontent and former Bull, Tim Thomas. Yes I hear the collective groan, but unless he wants to accept a very limited role, I'm sure he will be bought out and sent home once again. We also had to accept the contract of Jerome James, who will most likely never play in the NBA again, and Anthony Roberson, who is probably headed to the practice squad.
The icing on the cake was sending Thabo to OKC for Denver's 1st round pick next year. There was no longer any room or feasible minutes for Swiss Chocolate, and I would say we got great return. That pick could wield some solid talent or be combined with our own pick and perhaps Kirk to put together a trade package.
So was the Sacramento trade the "megadeal" that ESPN deemed it. Certainly not. If anything, calling it such shows just how lame this trade deadline was. None of these moves were sexy, but they make us better, and put us in a better position to contend when 2010 rolls around. So whether it was Paxson or Gar Forman who swung these deals, you should tip your cap.
Not to mention, Amare is likely done for the season with a detached retina. So... phew!
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Stuff
Stuff. I like that word. It would make a good band name. Anyways, that's what this post will be filled with. Stuff. It is jam-packed with all sorts of stuff. You might even say it's stuffed. Stuffed with stuff. Sigh. Let's go.
This is one of the new advertisements for the '09 season. This one was my particular favorite, mostly because it is painfully true. It's all about delayed gratification though. That's how I like to look at it. I think we shitty-winter inhabitants appreciate the joys of summer more than those who see warmth as a God-given right. We earn our sunshine dammit. Which leads me to my main point here:
SPRING TRAINING HAS BEGUN!
Thank Jeebus. No real news at this point. Lou says he might drop Sori down in the order. Sori says he's o.k. with it. Stop me if you've heard this before. I'll believe it when I see it for more than a several game stint. In my opinion, the only real in-house option is Theriot, a man whose baserunning woes are well documented, and who many feel, myself included, may have been playing over his head last year. What else... Z still hasn't had Lasik on his right eye, but is considering it. He now has a mustache. Rich Harden is throwing but they're "keeping an eye on him" or whatever. He will be babied. This is inevitable. Most of this is according to Bruce Miles who blogged from day 1 at camp.
The first ST game will be at home in Mesa against a certain Dodger squad, not even 8 days from now. Feb. 25, 2:05 PM. And so it begins. Stay tuned for regular updates. I'll be doing one final, all-encompassing summation of my thoughts and expectations for this year's squad sometime before opening day as well. Giddy up.
--
Now, in no particular order, here are some deep thoughts I've had over the last week or two:
1.) Those of you who know me well and/or have ever been out to eat with me, will recognize this particular argument.
Attention Restaurants:
Stop putting lemons in my God Damn water if I don't ask for it.
How do we not get a choice in this matter? They just assume we all love citrus squeezed in our H2o? I don't want tangy water. I want my water to taste watery. I wouldn't smear a bunch of fucking ketchup on your steak without your permission. There have to be people out there allergic to lemons right? I guarantee it. This is a lawsuit waiting to happen. All I ask is that I be given a choice in the matter. How can this be permitted to continue? I know I'm not alone. Make yourselves heard people. Together, we can quash this injustice.
2.) Staying on the topic of juice, I have decided that concentrate has been unfairly deemed the trans-fat of the juice world. Since when is concentrate so hazardous to your health? Are there any experts out there? Are we just too cool for concentrate these days? Why has it gotten such a bad rap? What the fuck is so bad about concentrate? What has concentrate done to deserve this?
3.) I was standing out in the cold waiting for the El the other week and I noticed they had put some new ad posters up at the station which I frequent. They were advertisements for an upcoming charity walk against suicide. It occurred to me that placing suicide related posters by moving trains may have been a drastic oversight. I shit you not, in a terrible coincidence, I never got to board the train. They had to shut down the whole red line when someone got struck and killed two stops before me. No details as to whether this was suicide, accident, or murder, but regardless, I move to ban excessively morbid posters around giant metal speeding vehicles from this point forth.
4.) The more capital letters and exclamation points in an advertisement, especially job postings (sigh), the more bullshit. Do yourself a favor and just skip on by.
5.) Why do they still light up no smoking signs on airplanes? It's ridiculous enough that they still have the signs on there, but do they really have to light them up? Are there people rocking back in forth in their seats staring overhead, waiting for the light to go off? Just once, I'd like to hear the captain say the following:
"Well, we've reached our cruising altitude of 30,000 feet. Right now it's 75 degrees and sunny in Acapulco... and we expect to be rolling into the gate right on schedule about 3:15. Soon our flight attendants will be coming by to take your drink orders and offer some complementary snacks. At this point I'm gonna go ahead and turn off the no smoking sign. Feel free to take out all of your collective ciggarettes, cigars, and various other tobacco-related paraphenialia and vigorously suck down as much smoke as you see fit. Suzy will be coming around with a basket of matches in case you're unprepared. We realize you have a choice when flying, and we're glad you've chosen us."
Just leave the light off for Christ's sake. We get it. You're wasting valuable electrcity. I thought we were supposed to be going green?
6.) Guitar Hero must really be kicking themselves over that that little Risky Business athelete-laden ad they churned out a month or so back. What a roster:
-Admitted steroid abuser
-Captured bong practician
-Alleged rapist
-Skateboarder
Do we really want our children skateboarding?
Marvelous timing there Guitar Hero. Who would we assemble for the hall of fame, all-star criminal athlete commercial?
-The Juice
-Vick
-Rae Carruth
-Mike Tyson
Those are the first four that came to mind.
7.) Some of you may know I have recently had trouble finding a legitimate employer worthy of my extensive talents. Therefore, I will adopt a new practice.
I'm going to start cutting and pasting from the resumes of celebrities and world leaders. Picture this:
Work Experience
- Former Host at T.G.I. Fridays
- One time Assistant to Warehouse Manager at local pool supply distributor
- 5 time Mr. Universe champion
- Extensive Pizza Delivery Experience
- Won Academy Award for title role in '94 Spielburg classic, Forrest Gump
- Recent food service technician at college cafeteria
- Former member of high school yearbook squad
- Hosted "The Price Is Right" for 35 years
You get the idea.
8.) I had to drive to my lakehouse with our cat in the car this most recent weekend. She meowed a lot. This got me to thinking about cat names involving the word meow. Here are some I remember:
-Doogy Meowser
-Meow Gasol
-Robert Meowney Jr.
-Chairman Meow
-Marissa Tomeow
-New England Clam Meowder
-The Meow Jones Industrial Average
As always, I welcome suggestions. And photoshopping.
9.) Am I the only one sick of hearing people sing about Mt. Zion? I can't be. Just stop it already.
10.) CSI Miami is the closest thing on television to Walker Texas Ranger, with David Caruso being the closest thing to Chuck Norris.
11.) How in the world did two nuclear submarines and two space satellites collide with one another in successive weeks? I was under the impression that the ocean, and, um, space, were pretty big. Have I been mislead in this regard?
12.) My father once posed an interesting idea to me. If we can have a website devoted entirely to forming positive romantic relationships--eHarmony--can we not have an eChaos? How would such a site function? Do people hate other people so much that they would pay an online service to match them up with said people, people that they really reeeeeaaallllly hate, so that they could engage in mutual, organized badgering and hatred related activities? That way, they could meet at the beach and fight.
I don't think people would pay, but you could probably make money on advertising revenue.
That is all.
This is one of the new advertisements for the '09 season. This one was my particular favorite, mostly because it is painfully true. It's all about delayed gratification though. That's how I like to look at it. I think we shitty-winter inhabitants appreciate the joys of summer more than those who see warmth as a God-given right. We earn our sunshine dammit. Which leads me to my main point here:
SPRING TRAINING HAS BEGUN!
Thank Jeebus. No real news at this point. Lou says he might drop Sori down in the order. Sori says he's o.k. with it. Stop me if you've heard this before. I'll believe it when I see it for more than a several game stint. In my opinion, the only real in-house option is Theriot, a man whose baserunning woes are well documented, and who many feel, myself included, may have been playing over his head last year. What else... Z still hasn't had Lasik on his right eye, but is considering it. He now has a mustache. Rich Harden is throwing but they're "keeping an eye on him" or whatever. He will be babied. This is inevitable. Most of this is according to Bruce Miles who blogged from day 1 at camp.
The first ST game will be at home in Mesa against a certain Dodger squad, not even 8 days from now. Feb. 25, 2:05 PM. And so it begins. Stay tuned for regular updates. I'll be doing one final, all-encompassing summation of my thoughts and expectations for this year's squad sometime before opening day as well. Giddy up.
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Now, in no particular order, here are some deep thoughts I've had over the last week or two:
1.) Those of you who know me well and/or have ever been out to eat with me, will recognize this particular argument.
Attention Restaurants:
Stop putting lemons in my God Damn water if I don't ask for it.
How do we not get a choice in this matter? They just assume we all love citrus squeezed in our H2o? I don't want tangy water. I want my water to taste watery. I wouldn't smear a bunch of fucking ketchup on your steak without your permission. There have to be people out there allergic to lemons right? I guarantee it. This is a lawsuit waiting to happen. All I ask is that I be given a choice in the matter. How can this be permitted to continue? I know I'm not alone. Make yourselves heard people. Together, we can quash this injustice.
2.) Staying on the topic of juice, I have decided that concentrate has been unfairly deemed the trans-fat of the juice world. Since when is concentrate so hazardous to your health? Are there any experts out there? Are we just too cool for concentrate these days? Why has it gotten such a bad rap? What the fuck is so bad about concentrate? What has concentrate done to deserve this?
3.) I was standing out in the cold waiting for the El the other week and I noticed they had put some new ad posters up at the station which I frequent. They were advertisements for an upcoming charity walk against suicide. It occurred to me that placing suicide related posters by moving trains may have been a drastic oversight. I shit you not, in a terrible coincidence, I never got to board the train. They had to shut down the whole red line when someone got struck and killed two stops before me. No details as to whether this was suicide, accident, or murder, but regardless, I move to ban excessively morbid posters around giant metal speeding vehicles from this point forth.
4.) The more capital letters and exclamation points in an advertisement, especially job postings (sigh), the more bullshit. Do yourself a favor and just skip on by.
5.) Why do they still light up no smoking signs on airplanes? It's ridiculous enough that they still have the signs on there, but do they really have to light them up? Are there people rocking back in forth in their seats staring overhead, waiting for the light to go off? Just once, I'd like to hear the captain say the following:
"Well, we've reached our cruising altitude of 30,000 feet. Right now it's 75 degrees and sunny in Acapulco... and we expect to be rolling into the gate right on schedule about 3:15. Soon our flight attendants will be coming by to take your drink orders and offer some complementary snacks. At this point I'm gonna go ahead and turn off the no smoking sign. Feel free to take out all of your collective ciggarettes, cigars, and various other tobacco-related paraphenialia and vigorously suck down as much smoke as you see fit. Suzy will be coming around with a basket of matches in case you're unprepared. We realize you have a choice when flying, and we're glad you've chosen us."
Just leave the light off for Christ's sake. We get it. You're wasting valuable electrcity. I thought we were supposed to be going green?
6.) Guitar Hero must really be kicking themselves over that that little Risky Business athelete-laden ad they churned out a month or so back. What a roster:
-Admitted steroid abuser
-Captured bong practician
-Alleged rapist
-Skateboarder
Do we really want our children skateboarding?
Marvelous timing there Guitar Hero. Who would we assemble for the hall of fame, all-star criminal athlete commercial?
-The Juice
-Vick
-Rae Carruth
-Mike Tyson
Those are the first four that came to mind.
7.) Some of you may know I have recently had trouble finding a legitimate employer worthy of my extensive talents. Therefore, I will adopt a new practice.
I'm going to start cutting and pasting from the resumes of celebrities and world leaders. Picture this:
Work Experience
- Former Host at T.G.I. Fridays
- One time Assistant to Warehouse Manager at local pool supply distributor
- 5 time Mr. Universe champion
- Extensive Pizza Delivery Experience
- Won Academy Award for title role in '94 Spielburg classic, Forrest Gump
- Recent food service technician at college cafeteria
- Former member of high school yearbook squad
- Hosted "The Price Is Right" for 35 years
You get the idea.
8.) I had to drive to my lakehouse with our cat in the car this most recent weekend. She meowed a lot. This got me to thinking about cat names involving the word meow. Here are some I remember:
-Doogy Meowser
-Meow Gasol
-Robert Meowney Jr.
-Chairman Meow
-Marissa Tomeow
-New England Clam Meowder
-The Meow Jones Industrial Average
As always, I welcome suggestions. And photoshopping.
9.) Am I the only one sick of hearing people sing about Mt. Zion? I can't be. Just stop it already.
10.) CSI Miami is the closest thing on television to Walker Texas Ranger, with David Caruso being the closest thing to Chuck Norris.
11.) How in the world did two nuclear submarines and two space satellites collide with one another in successive weeks? I was under the impression that the ocean, and, um, space, were pretty big. Have I been mislead in this regard?
12.) My father once posed an interesting idea to me. If we can have a website devoted entirely to forming positive romantic relationships--eHarmony--can we not have an eChaos? How would such a site function? Do people hate other people so much that they would pay an online service to match them up with said people, people that they really reeeeeaaallllly hate, so that they could engage in mutual, organized badgering and hatred related activities? That way, they could meet at the beach and fight.
I don't think people would pay, but you could probably make money on advertising revenue.
That is all.
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