What An Opportunity!

We all have email, thus we all get silly mail from time to time. Annoying mail. Potentially threatening mail. Scam mail. It's very frustrating no? Especially when you spring up out of bed like a kid on Christmas to check your inbox for job replies only to discover some ridiculous phishing scheme from a Swiss textile manufacurer asking if they can wire you some money. We can save the Social Darwinism debate for another time. Right now, I'd like you to read this crap:


Our company is a Zweifel Textile Machinery, Switzerland. We produce and distribute clothing materials such as batiks, assorted fabrics,pencil or airbrush mixed with color pencils to Digital artworks and traditional costume worldwide. We have reached big sales volume of textile materials in the Europe and now we are trying to penetrate the US and Canada market. Quite soon we will open representative offices or authorized sales centers in all the state in the US and therefore we are currently looking for people who will assist us in establishing a new distribution network in your area for now. The fact is that despite the US and Canada market is new for us we already have regular clients also speaks for itself.

We are looking for representatives in your area who will work for us as partime or full time and we will be willing to pay 10% percent on every transaction. This job would not affect your present state of work, all we need is someone who would help us recieve payment from ou r customers in your area.
A responsible and reliable person who is trustworthy and honest will fit in to this category due to the cost of relocating and getting payment is very expensive and inefficient for us .Branches have been set up in few countries and states with our head office in Canada . We are working on setting up a branch in your locality but for now we need a representative in your area who will be handling the payment aspect.

WHAT YOU NEED TO DO FOR US?
The international money transfer tax for legal entities (companies) in Switzerland is 25%, whereas for the individual it is only 7%.There is no sense for us to work this way, while tax for international money transfer made by a private individual is 7% .That's why we need you! We need agents or representatives to receive payment for our textiles( in money orders, check or bank wire transfers) and to resend the money to us via Money Gram or Western Union Money Transfer. This way we will save money because of tax decreasing.

JOB DESCRIPTION?
1. Receive payment from Clients
2. Cash Payments at your Bank
3. Deduct 10% which will be your percentage/pay on Payment processed.
4. Forward balance after deduction of percentage/pay to any of the offices you will be contacted to send payment to(Payment is to forwarded either by Money Gram or Western Union Money Transfer).

HOW MUCH WILL YOU EARN?
10% from each operation! For instance: you receive 7000 USD via checks or money orders on our behalf. You will cash the money and keep $700 (10% from $7000) for yourself! At the beginning your commission will equal 10%, though later it will increase up to 12%!

ADVANTAGES
You do not have to go out as you will work as an independent contractor right from your home office. Your job is absolutely legal. You can earn up to $3000-4000 monthly depending on time you will spend for this job. You do not need any capital to start. You can do the Work easily without leaving or affecting your present Job. The employees who make efforts and work hard have a strong possibility to become managers. Anyway our employees never leave us due to our excellent work condition.

MAIN REQUIREMENTS
Under the age of 80,legally capable and responsible,ready to work 3-4 hours per week. with PC knowledge,e-mail and internet experience (minimal) And please know that Everything is absolutely legal, that's why You have to fill a contract! If you are interested in our offer, please respond with the following details for us to reach you.

NOTICE :
We will never ask you for anything more then that, no bank account number, routing number, credit card, passwords, SSN # etc. If anyone asks for those on our behalf, please do not give out this info. This is to ensure your security and non-involvement in cases of identity theft. If anyone ask you for any of those info in our notice please kindly report to your nearest local or federal authorities.

* Full Names_______________
* Address(Not A P.O BOX)__________________
* City_____________________
* State____________________
* Postal Code_______________
* Phone___________________
* Email___________________
* Age_____________________
* Present Occupation_______________
* Marital Status_____________
* Sex_____________________
* Bank Name_________________

Thanks for your anticipated action. And we hope to hear back from you.
Thanks and best regards.
C.E.O


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Well hot damn! Looks like I've hit the jackpot! Enough is enough. I'm not sure if some Swiss bastard is rifling through the excited responses and personal information of a host of dumb American shmucks, but if there is such a person, he will be receiving a piece of my mind. Here is my response. Enjoy:


Dearest Jonathan Oliver,


Funny you should contact me. I fucking LOVE textile machinery! I would be thrilled to join in the "batik" business, and I don't even know what the shit a batik is! Who cares! After all, you've clearly "reached big sales volume of textile materials in the Europe," so, yea... show me where to sign! What's that? You're looking to set up a branch in my locality? My goodness, what luck! I had no idea I lived in such a hotbed of "pencil or airbrush mixed with color pencils to Digital artworks and traditional costume" activity! I'm in textile heaven! So let me see if I have this figured out:


-You send me money.
-I take 10% of that money.
-I send you the rest of the money.
-Transaction Complete!

Well fuck me! What a phenomenal proposition! Frankly Mr. Oliver, I'm a bit concerned that Zweifel Textile Machinery stands to lose quite a bit of profit on this little expansion effort. But hey, what do I know? Your Jonathan Oliver for Chrissake! You know what you're doing! Who am I to question YOUR business acumen! I'm ready to bust my hump here, like you said, maybe someday I can climb the ranks and become a manager! Then I'LL be the one sending non-sensical, bullshit, broken-english emails to complete strangers asking them for personal information, assuring them of the validity of some ridiculous textile company making God-knows-what, and then later demanding their bank information! With a lot of hard work and more than a smidge of luck, perhaps one day in the distant future, I'LL be the one sending thousands of dollars to trustworthy Americans, encouraging them to remove 10% for no reason whatsoever! Well I guess I can fucking retire at this point. From here on out it's a few weekly trips to the bank, a wheelbarrow or two of wire transfers, and BAM!--nothing left to do but sit back and count my riches! 10% at a time! Hooray!

Oh right, my info:

Full Name: Mr. Edward Magorium

Address: The Wonder Emporium
1137 Enchantment Lane
12345, Magictown, U.S.A

Phone: I don't believe in phones. I use messenger owls.

Email: Again, owls.

Age: 79 (Thank Christ!)

Present Occupation: I run the wonder emporium. Of course that's all done with now. I'm going to set it ablaze and collect the insurance money so I can start focusing on the REAL task at hand. Recieveing checks, subtracting 10% of their worth, and then sending them back to you.


Marital Status: Bitterly, miserably divorced. It gets very lonely at the emporium these days.

Sex: No time! We have batiks to produce!

Bank Name: Shoebox under my tempur-pedic.


Well that should cover all the bases I think. Now all I need from YOU Mr. Oliver, is the following:


Your SS#
Bank Account Information
Mother's Maiden Name
Blood Type
Favorite Color
Most Painful Memory
Age of First Kiss
Strand of Hair
Semen
Handprint
Nail Clippings
Favorite Jonas Brother


I look forward to doing business with one another Mr. Oliver. Something tells me this is the start of a beaaauuuuuuuutiful friendship. Please act now. We have little time to waste.


Fuck Right Off,


Me.

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I'll let you all know if I get a response.


Magorium Out.