We all have email, thus we all get silly mail from time to time. Annoying mail. Potentially threatening mail. Scam mail. It's very frustrating no? Especially when you spring up out of bed like a kid on Christmas to check your inbox for job replies only to discover some ridiculous phishing scheme from a Swiss textile manufacurer asking if they can wire you some money. We can save the Social Darwinism debate for another time. Right now, I'd like you to read this crap:
Our company is a Zweifel Textile Machinery, Switzerland. We produce and distribute clothing materials such as batiks, assorted fabrics,pencil or airbrush mixed with color pencils to Digital artworks and traditional costume worldwide. We have reached big sales volume of textile materials in the Europe and now we are trying to penetrate the US and Canada market. Quite soon we will open representative offices or authorized sales centers in all the state in the US and therefore we are currently looking for people who will assist us in establishing a new distribution network in your area for now. The fact is that despite the US and Canada market is new for us we already have regular clients also speaks for itself.
We are looking for representatives in your area who will work for us as partime or full time and we will be willing to pay 10% percent on every transaction. This job would not affect your present state of work, all we need is someone who would help us recieve payment from ou r customers in your area.
A responsible and reliable person who is trustworthy and honest will fit in to this category due to the cost of relocating and getting payment is very expensive and inefficient for us .Branches have been set up in few countries and states with our head office in Canada . We are working on setting up a branch in your locality but for now we need a representative in your area who will be handling the payment aspect.
WHAT YOU NEED TO DO FOR US?
The international money transfer tax for legal entities (companies) in Switzerland is 25%, whereas for the individual it is only 7%.There is no sense for us to work this way, while tax for international money transfer made by a private individual is 7% .That's why we need you! We need agents or representatives to receive payment for our textiles( in money orders, check or bank wire transfers) and to resend the money to us via Money Gram or Western Union Money Transfer. This way we will save money because of tax decreasing.
JOB DESCRIPTION?
1. Receive payment from Clients
2. Cash Payments at your Bank
3. Deduct 10% which will be your percentage/pay on Payment processed.
4. Forward balance after deduction of percentage/pay to any of the offices you will be contacted to send payment to(Payment is to forwarded either by Money Gram or Western Union Money Transfer).
HOW MUCH WILL YOU EARN?
10% from each operation! For instance: you receive 7000 USD via checks or money orders on our behalf. You will cash the money and keep $700 (10% from $7000) for yourself! At the beginning your commission will equal 10%, though later it will increase up to 12%!
ADVANTAGES
You do not have to go out as you will work as an independent contractor right from your home office. Your job is absolutely legal. You can earn up to $3000-4000 monthly depending on time you will spend for this job. You do not need any capital to start. You can do the Work easily without leaving or affecting your present Job. The employees who make efforts and work hard have a strong possibility to become managers. Anyway our employees never leave us due to our excellent work condition.
MAIN REQUIREMENTS
Under the age of 80,legally capable and responsible,ready to work 3-4 hours per week. with PC knowledge,e-mail and internet experience (minimal) And please know that Everything is absolutely legal, that's why You have to fill a contract! If you are interested in our offer, please respond with the following details for us to reach you.
NOTICE :
We will never ask you for anything more then that, no bank account number, routing number, credit card, passwords, SSN # etc. If anyone asks for those on our behalf, please do not give out this info. This is to ensure your security and non-involvement in cases of identity theft. If anyone ask you for any of those info in our notice please kindly report to your nearest local or federal authorities.
* Full Names_______________
* Address(Not A P.O BOX)__________________
* City_____________________
* State____________________
* Postal Code_______________
* Phone___________________
* Email___________________
* Age_____________________
* Present Occupation_______________
* Marital Status_____________
* Sex_____________________
* Bank Name_________________
Thanks for your anticipated action. And we hope to hear back from you.
Thanks and best regards.
C.E.O
--
Well hot damn! Looks like I've hit the jackpot! Enough is enough. I'm not sure if some Swiss bastard is rifling through the excited responses and personal information of a host of dumb American shmucks, but if there is such a person, he will be receiving a piece of my mind. Here is my response. Enjoy:
Dearest Jonathan Oliver,
Funny you should contact me. I fucking LOVE textile machinery! I would be thrilled to join in the "batik" business, and I don't even know what the shit a batik is! Who cares! After all, you've clearly "reached big sales volume of textile materials in the Europe," so, yea... show me where to sign! What's that? You're looking to set up a branch in my locality? My goodness, what luck! I had no idea I lived in such a hotbed of "pencil or airbrush mixed with color pencils to Digital artworks and traditional costume" activity! I'm in textile heaven! So let me see if I have this figured out:
-You send me money.
-I take 10% of that money.
-I send you the rest of the money.
-Transaction Complete!
Well fuck me! What a phenomenal proposition! Frankly Mr. Oliver, I'm a bit concerned that Zweifel Textile Machinery stands to lose quite a bit of profit on this little expansion effort. But hey, what do I know? Your Jonathan Oliver for Chrissake! You know what you're doing! Who am I to question YOUR business acumen! I'm ready to bust my hump here, like you said, maybe someday I can climb the ranks and become a manager! Then I'LL be the one sending non-sensical, bullshit, broken-english emails to complete strangers asking them for personal information, assuring them of the validity of some ridiculous textile company making God-knows-what, and then later demanding their bank information! With a lot of hard work and more than a smidge of luck, perhaps one day in the distant future, I'LL be the one sending thousands of dollars to trustworthy Americans, encouraging them to remove 10% for no reason whatsoever! Well I guess I can fucking retire at this point. From here on out it's a few weekly trips to the bank, a wheelbarrow or two of wire transfers, and BAM!--nothing left to do but sit back and count my riches! 10% at a time! Hooray!
Oh right, my info:
Full Name: Mr. Edward Magorium
Address: The Wonder Emporium
1137 Enchantment Lane
12345, Magictown, U.S.A
Phone: I don't believe in phones. I use messenger owls.
Email: Again, owls.
Age: 79 (Thank Christ!)
Present Occupation: I run the wonder emporium. Of course that's all done with now. I'm going to set it ablaze and collect the insurance money so I can start focusing on the REAL task at hand. Recieveing checks, subtracting 10% of their worth, and then sending them back to you.
Marital Status: Bitterly, miserably divorced. It gets very lonely at the emporium these days.
Sex: No time! We have batiks to produce!
Bank Name: Shoebox under my tempur-pedic.
Well that should cover all the bases I think. Now all I need from YOU Mr. Oliver, is the following:
Your SS#
Bank Account Information
Mother's Maiden Name
Blood Type
Favorite Color
Most Painful Memory
Age of First Kiss
Strand of Hair
Semen
Handprint
Nail Clippings
Favorite Jonas Brother
I look forward to doing business with one another Mr. Oliver. Something tells me this is the start of a beaaauuuuuuuutiful friendship. Please act now. We have little time to waste.
Fuck Right Off,
Me.
--
I'll let you all know if I get a response.
Magorium Out.
Friday, March 13, 2009
Friday, February 27, 2009
A Sad Day In Bulls History
Fiery Bulls commentator and former all-star point guard 'Stormin' Norm Van Lier unexpectedly passed away at the age of 61 yesterday. He was found dead in his condo after failing to report for an afternoon broadcast.
Then, around 9:50 last evening, Johnny 'Red' Kerr passed away after a quiet, dignified battle with prostate cancer. Thank God he was alive to be a part of his tribute, though one wishes he would have been in better health to enjoy it.
R.I.P. gentlemen. You will be missed.
Basketball more than a game to all-time city great- Mark J. Konkol and Lacy J. Banks, Sun Times
Ex-Chicago Bull Norm Van Lier, who played hard, lived hard, dies at 61- Rick Morrissey, Tribune
Kerr touched generations of Bulls Fans- Jim O' Donnell, Sun Times
Former Chicago Bulls broadcaster, coach Johnny 'Red' Kerr dead at 76- Melissa Isaacson, Tribune
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Would You Rather...
First, on a random note, here's some advice:
When you buy a Crockpot, and you live by yourself, and you're at the supermarket gathering materials for a pot roast recipe that allegedly serves 6-10 people, don't shrug that information off. Don't assume that you can, or will want, to eat enough pot roast to feed a moderately sized Mormon family. You can probably finish it off eventually, but it will take some serious creativity and a whole boat load of tenacity. Not to mention you will grow enormously tired of pot roast.
(If anyone wants some, drop me a line. I'll cram it in an envelope and express mail it to your home.)
Moving on.
This is the beginning of a new installment here at The Gettin' Place. You all know, I trust, or are at least vaguely familiar with how the "Would You Rather" game is played.
Well it's not really a game per say... it's more of an exercise. My friends and I used to spend countless hours posing serious social quandaries to one another... quandaries that could have only one of two possible outcomes. This invariably led to some stimulating and generally hilarious discussion. Now, if you're thinking these are your stereotypical drinking game booklet questions about eating bugs and hygiene and perverse sexual activity... for the most part, you're off base. For example, one of our time tested regulars was whether you would rather strangle your dog to death or stab a homeless man... I'm going to refrain from diving into specifics on that one.
Anyways, I feel this site could be a great forum for discussion on these matters. I heartily encourage all of you reading to contribute to the debate in the comments section at the end of this post. I also must stress--and this will be my final point before I get down to business--that you can take these situations as far outside the box as you see fit. I'm sure you'll figure it out and this will all go swimmingly...
So without further ado, here's our first question, posed to me by my friend Zilla, a true visionary of the "would you rather" art form:
Would you rather be able to fly or have a credit card that you would never have to pay the balance on?
The details on flight:
Your power of flight is very similar to that of a commercial airliner, speed-wise. You top out at 500 mph. You are not effected by temperature or altitude. You are free to fly whenever, and wherever, you please. You can even take ladies up into the air with you-- a la Superman or Aladdin minus the carpet--for romantic purposes. My immediate retort was in regard to the difficulty level of carrying a woman in the air for an extended period of time. (And I should pause to say, ladies, you can take men up there too if you see fit, but I have a strong feeling they may feel a bit effeminate being carried through the clouds and will, as a result, object your flight proposition. Of course, there can also be same sex air trysts... I don't judge.) I figured that without super strength, it may be a bit strenuous carrying someone around like that. Having to piggy back your baberham of choice would probably drop the romantic value of the excursion several notches. However, my friend and confidant assured me that when it comes to taking people into the sky, you are temporarily granted the ability to carry your passenger without difficulty. So you've got that going for you. Which is nice.
There are limitations of course. No breaking the sound barrier obviously. No Outer space.
Still, you can use your power however you please. For the good of the land, for personal benefit and monetary gain, for evil, whatever. The choice is yours. But mind you this:
"With great power, comes great responsibility" -Uncle Ben, Spiderman
The details on the card:
This is not just an infinite supply of money, let's get that straight right off the bat.
Well... it kinda is. Here's the deal:
You have a million dollar limit per month. And to quote Zilla, "you can't buy companies or islands or shit like that." This is not a black card ladies and gentlemen, there are rules. Under no circumstances are you allowed to make a cash withdrawl. Nothing but swiping. If you can't swipe it, you can't have it. Swipety swipe swipe, swipety-doo.
Much like the power of flight, you can use your plastic however you see fit.
However... I implore you... ALL OF YOU...
Beware of hangers-on! Succubi and various other bloodsucking parasites draining your lifeforce, always begging, pleading, tugging at your shirt for handouts... asking you to buy Jagerbombs, over, and over, and over again! Soon you'll be swiping flapjacks for everyone at brunch! Annoying the shit out of every cab driver who makes the unfortunate mistake of scooping you and your entourage from the local watering hole! What's that? No, sorry Mr. cab driver. I don't have any cash.
Plus, you'll have to buy nachos at the ballpark for entire rows of spectators. A virtually endless trough of nachos!
Think about THAT!
So there. Your possibilities have been placed before you. Now you must choose your destiny. What path would I choose? After some serious deliberation, I eventually changed my mind and decided to opt for the power of flight. My reasoning? I'm sure you could raise plenty of scratch, one way or another, with your soaring ability. Plus, you get to fly. Which is really very fun I think. But enough about me. How do YOU feel?
Make yourself heard.
That is all.
When you buy a Crockpot, and you live by yourself, and you're at the supermarket gathering materials for a pot roast recipe that allegedly serves 6-10 people, don't shrug that information off. Don't assume that you can, or will want, to eat enough pot roast to feed a moderately sized Mormon family. You can probably finish it off eventually, but it will take some serious creativity and a whole boat load of tenacity. Not to mention you will grow enormously tired of pot roast.
(If anyone wants some, drop me a line. I'll cram it in an envelope and express mail it to your home.)
Moving on.
This is the beginning of a new installment here at The Gettin' Place. You all know, I trust, or are at least vaguely familiar with how the "Would You Rather" game is played.
Well it's not really a game per say... it's more of an exercise. My friends and I used to spend countless hours posing serious social quandaries to one another... quandaries that could have only one of two possible outcomes. This invariably led to some stimulating and generally hilarious discussion. Now, if you're thinking these are your stereotypical drinking game booklet questions about eating bugs and hygiene and perverse sexual activity... for the most part, you're off base. For example, one of our time tested regulars was whether you would rather strangle your dog to death or stab a homeless man... I'm going to refrain from diving into specifics on that one.
Anyways, I feel this site could be a great forum for discussion on these matters. I heartily encourage all of you reading to contribute to the debate in the comments section at the end of this post. I also must stress--and this will be my final point before I get down to business--that you can take these situations as far outside the box as you see fit. I'm sure you'll figure it out and this will all go swimmingly...
So without further ado, here's our first question, posed to me by my friend Zilla, a true visionary of the "would you rather" art form:
Would you rather be able to fly or have a credit card that you would never have to pay the balance on?
The details on flight:
Your power of flight is very similar to that of a commercial airliner, speed-wise. You top out at 500 mph. You are not effected by temperature or altitude. You are free to fly whenever, and wherever, you please. You can even take ladies up into the air with you-- a la Superman or Aladdin minus the carpet--for romantic purposes. My immediate retort was in regard to the difficulty level of carrying a woman in the air for an extended period of time. (And I should pause to say, ladies, you can take men up there too if you see fit, but I have a strong feeling they may feel a bit effeminate being carried through the clouds and will, as a result, object your flight proposition. Of course, there can also be same sex air trysts... I don't judge.) I figured that without super strength, it may be a bit strenuous carrying someone around like that. Having to piggy back your baberham of choice would probably drop the romantic value of the excursion several notches. However, my friend and confidant assured me that when it comes to taking people into the sky, you are temporarily granted the ability to carry your passenger without difficulty. So you've got that going for you. Which is nice.
There are limitations of course. No breaking the sound barrier obviously. No Outer space.
Still, you can use your power however you please. For the good of the land, for personal benefit and monetary gain, for evil, whatever. The choice is yours. But mind you this:
"With great power, comes great responsibility" -Uncle Ben, Spiderman
The details on the card:
This is not just an infinite supply of money, let's get that straight right off the bat.
Well... it kinda is. Here's the deal:
You have a million dollar limit per month. And to quote Zilla, "you can't buy companies or islands or shit like that." This is not a black card ladies and gentlemen, there are rules. Under no circumstances are you allowed to make a cash withdrawl. Nothing but swiping. If you can't swipe it, you can't have it. Swipety swipe swipe, swipety-doo.
Much like the power of flight, you can use your plastic however you see fit.
However... I implore you... ALL OF YOU...
Beware of hangers-on! Succubi and various other bloodsucking parasites draining your lifeforce, always begging, pleading, tugging at your shirt for handouts... asking you to buy Jagerbombs, over, and over, and over again! Soon you'll be swiping flapjacks for everyone at brunch! Annoying the shit out of every cab driver who makes the unfortunate mistake of scooping you and your entourage from the local watering hole! What's that? No, sorry Mr. cab driver. I don't have any cash.
Plus, you'll have to buy nachos at the ballpark for entire rows of spectators. A virtually endless trough of nachos!
Think about THAT!
So there. Your possibilities have been placed before you. Now you must choose your destiny. What path would I choose? After some serious deliberation, I eventually changed my mind and decided to opt for the power of flight. My reasoning? I'm sure you could raise plenty of scratch, one way or another, with your soaring ability. Plus, you get to fly. Which is really very fun I think. But enough about me. How do YOU feel?
Make yourself heard.
That is all.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Röyksopp- Happy Up Here
Proof that music videos can still be very cool when they want to be. The electro-pop duo have a Space Invaders thing going on here. The new album Junior is due on March 23rd. No word on whether it was inspired by the Schwarzenegger film of the same title...
Well shoot, it's pretty hard to top that montage, but here's that video I was originally talking about. I really set the bar unattainably high for the Röyksopp fellows. Sorry guys. Arnold can be distracting.
Well shoot, it's pretty hard to top that montage, but here's that video I was originally talking about. I really set the bar unattainably high for the Röyksopp fellows. Sorry guys. Arnold can be distracting.
Link: 
Kanye Does Storytellers
This Saturday, Feb. 28th at 9 PM EST, Kanye will perform on the VH1 Storytellers program, most likely sandwiched between "The Top 100 Songs of the 1890's" and some show called "Tool Academy." (Which is an actual show. Maybe some of you already knew that.) Regardless of what you may think of Mr. West, the man is a great entertainer, sometimes accidentally so. He's the type of artist who was tailor made for the Storytellers format. Why? The man loves to talk. Especially about himself. Knowing Kanye, he will go above and beyond the norm to make this a top-notch spectacle, and after watching this version of "Stronger," I have no doubts he will deliver. Should be mighty interesting to hear him talk about some of the cuts from 808's as well. Enjoy.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Bulls Trades Galore. And They're Actually Good.
Rejoice Bulls fans. Everyone can now wave a sweet, long goodbye to old Captain Hack 'N Flop.
So long Andres. You had your moments, many moons ago. Now take your Pert Plus and kindly leave. At least we'll always have the good times...
You. I don't even wanna look at you. Just get the hell out.
Sorry Dr. Turd Beard. Time to head on down the road.
The Swiss era has come to an end. You weren't meant to play basketball Thabo. According to Larry David, all your people do is ski and eat chocolate. (I couldn't find that particular clip, so I offer this instead.)
So, what do we get in return? Well the Sac-Town deal brings in Brad Miller (remember him?) and John "Smoked" Salmons. In Miller we get a big man known for his very solid passing, especially out of the high post, which should instantly help our young frontcourt (Noah and Thomas), not to mention Luol, who is at his best when cutting to the hoop. Miller can still shoot it from the top of the key too, which should make for a much better pick-and-pop situation with Derrick.
Salmons is having a career year, and does a bit of everything:
2009: 17.6 ppg, 4.0 rpg, 3.6 apg, 1.1 spg, 41.8 3PT%, 16.2 PER
So when you look at it, Miller acts as an upgrade over Drew Gooden who also fits better with our team chemistry. He's on contract for next year as well, but we would have had to sign someone to replace Gooden anyway. Salmons makes us better right now and gives us a replacement for Gordon if we're unable to resign him, which at this point, seems likely due to luxury tax shenanigans. Salmons has the option to opt out of his contract in 2010, and considering he's 30 right now, you have to figure he'll try and go get as much money as possible. Basically, these moves improve us in the short-term and put us in a better position to nab Chris Bosh in 2010, who, rumor has it, considers Chi-town his #1 destination.
Sending out Larry Hughes brings back another malcontent and former Bull, Tim Thomas. Yes I hear the collective groan, but unless he wants to accept a very limited role, I'm sure he will be bought out and sent home once again. We also had to accept the contract of Jerome James, who will most likely never play in the NBA again, and Anthony Roberson, who is probably headed to the practice squad.
The icing on the cake was sending Thabo to OKC for Denver's 1st round pick next year. There was no longer any room or feasible minutes for Swiss Chocolate, and I would say we got great return. That pick could wield some solid talent or be combined with our own pick and perhaps Kirk to put together a trade package.
So was the Sacramento trade the "megadeal" that ESPN deemed it. Certainly not. If anything, calling it such shows just how lame this trade deadline was. None of these moves were sexy, but they make us better, and put us in a better position to contend when 2010 rolls around. So whether it was Paxson or Gar Forman who swung these deals, you should tip your cap.
Not to mention, Amare is likely done for the season with a detached retina. So... phew!
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Stuff
Stuff. I like that word. It would make a good band name. Anyways, that's what this post will be filled with. Stuff. It is jam-packed with all sorts of stuff. You might even say it's stuffed. Stuffed with stuff. Sigh. Let's go.
This is one of the new advertisements for the '09 season. This one was my particular favorite, mostly because it is painfully true. It's all about delayed gratification though. That's how I like to look at it. I think we shitty-winter inhabitants appreciate the joys of summer more than those who see warmth as a God-given right. We earn our sunshine dammit. Which leads me to my main point here:
SPRING TRAINING HAS BEGUN!
Thank Jeebus. No real news at this point. Lou says he might drop Sori down in the order. Sori says he's o.k. with it. Stop me if you've heard this before. I'll believe it when I see it for more than a several game stint. In my opinion, the only real in-house option is Theriot, a man whose baserunning woes are well documented, and who many feel, myself included, may have been playing over his head last year. What else... Z still hasn't had Lasik on his right eye, but is considering it. He now has a mustache. Rich Harden is throwing but they're "keeping an eye on him" or whatever. He will be babied. This is inevitable. Most of this is according to Bruce Miles who blogged from day 1 at camp.
The first ST game will be at home in Mesa against a certain Dodger squad, not even 8 days from now. Feb. 25, 2:05 PM. And so it begins. Stay tuned for regular updates. I'll be doing one final, all-encompassing summation of my thoughts and expectations for this year's squad sometime before opening day as well. Giddy up.
--
Now, in no particular order, here are some deep thoughts I've had over the last week or two:
1.) Those of you who know me well and/or have ever been out to eat with me, will recognize this particular argument.
Attention Restaurants:
Stop putting lemons in my God Damn water if I don't ask for it.
How do we not get a choice in this matter? They just assume we all love citrus squeezed in our H2o? I don't want tangy water. I want my water to taste watery. I wouldn't smear a bunch of fucking ketchup on your steak without your permission. There have to be people out there allergic to lemons right? I guarantee it. This is a lawsuit waiting to happen. All I ask is that I be given a choice in the matter. How can this be permitted to continue? I know I'm not alone. Make yourselves heard people. Together, we can quash this injustice.
2.) Staying on the topic of juice, I have decided that concentrate has been unfairly deemed the trans-fat of the juice world. Since when is concentrate so hazardous to your health? Are there any experts out there? Are we just too cool for concentrate these days? Why has it gotten such a bad rap? What the fuck is so bad about concentrate? What has concentrate done to deserve this?
3.) I was standing out in the cold waiting for the El the other week and I noticed they had put some new ad posters up at the station which I frequent. They were advertisements for an upcoming charity walk against suicide. It occurred to me that placing suicide related posters by moving trains may have been a drastic oversight. I shit you not, in a terrible coincidence, I never got to board the train. They had to shut down the whole red line when someone got struck and killed two stops before me. No details as to whether this was suicide, accident, or murder, but regardless, I move to ban excessively morbid posters around giant metal speeding vehicles from this point forth.
4.) The more capital letters and exclamation points in an advertisement, especially job postings (sigh), the more bullshit. Do yourself a favor and just skip on by.
5.) Why do they still light up no smoking signs on airplanes? It's ridiculous enough that they still have the signs on there, but do they really have to light them up? Are there people rocking back in forth in their seats staring overhead, waiting for the light to go off? Just once, I'd like to hear the captain say the following:
"Well, we've reached our cruising altitude of 30,000 feet. Right now it's 75 degrees and sunny in Acapulco... and we expect to be rolling into the gate right on schedule about 3:15. Soon our flight attendants will be coming by to take your drink orders and offer some complementary snacks. At this point I'm gonna go ahead and turn off the no smoking sign. Feel free to take out all of your collective ciggarettes, cigars, and various other tobacco-related paraphenialia and vigorously suck down as much smoke as you see fit. Suzy will be coming around with a basket of matches in case you're unprepared. We realize you have a choice when flying, and we're glad you've chosen us."
Just leave the light off for Christ's sake. We get it. You're wasting valuable electrcity. I thought we were supposed to be going green?
6.) Guitar Hero must really be kicking themselves over that that little Risky Business athelete-laden ad they churned out a month or so back. What a roster:
-Admitted steroid abuser
-Captured bong practician
-Alleged rapist
-Skateboarder
Do we really want our children skateboarding?
Marvelous timing there Guitar Hero. Who would we assemble for the hall of fame, all-star criminal athlete commercial?
-The Juice
-Vick
-Rae Carruth
-Mike Tyson
Those are the first four that came to mind.
7.) Some of you may know I have recently had trouble finding a legitimate employer worthy of my extensive talents. Therefore, I will adopt a new practice.
I'm going to start cutting and pasting from the resumes of celebrities and world leaders. Picture this:
Work Experience
- Former Host at T.G.I. Fridays
- One time Assistant to Warehouse Manager at local pool supply distributor
- 5 time Mr. Universe champion
- Extensive Pizza Delivery Experience
- Won Academy Award for title role in '94 Spielburg classic, Forrest Gump
- Recent food service technician at college cafeteria
- Former member of high school yearbook squad
- Hosted "The Price Is Right" for 35 years
You get the idea.
8.) I had to drive to my lakehouse with our cat in the car this most recent weekend. She meowed a lot. This got me to thinking about cat names involving the word meow. Here are some I remember:
-Doogy Meowser
-Meow Gasol
-Robert Meowney Jr.
-Chairman Meow
-Marissa Tomeow
-New England Clam Meowder
-The Meow Jones Industrial Average
As always, I welcome suggestions. And photoshopping.
9.) Am I the only one sick of hearing people sing about Mt. Zion? I can't be. Just stop it already.
10.) CSI Miami is the closest thing on television to Walker Texas Ranger, with David Caruso being the closest thing to Chuck Norris.
11.) How in the world did two nuclear submarines and two space satellites collide with one another in successive weeks? I was under the impression that the ocean, and, um, space, were pretty big. Have I been mislead in this regard?
12.) My father once posed an interesting idea to me. If we can have a website devoted entirely to forming positive romantic relationships--eHarmony--can we not have an eChaos? How would such a site function? Do people hate other people so much that they would pay an online service to match them up with said people, people that they really reeeeeaaallllly hate, so that they could engage in mutual, organized badgering and hatred related activities? That way, they could meet at the beach and fight.
I don't think people would pay, but you could probably make money on advertising revenue.
That is all.
This is one of the new advertisements for the '09 season. This one was my particular favorite, mostly because it is painfully true. It's all about delayed gratification though. That's how I like to look at it. I think we shitty-winter inhabitants appreciate the joys of summer more than those who see warmth as a God-given right. We earn our sunshine dammit. Which leads me to my main point here:
SPRING TRAINING HAS BEGUN!
Thank Jeebus. No real news at this point. Lou says he might drop Sori down in the order. Sori says he's o.k. with it. Stop me if you've heard this before. I'll believe it when I see it for more than a several game stint. In my opinion, the only real in-house option is Theriot, a man whose baserunning woes are well documented, and who many feel, myself included, may have been playing over his head last year. What else... Z still hasn't had Lasik on his right eye, but is considering it. He now has a mustache. Rich Harden is throwing but they're "keeping an eye on him" or whatever. He will be babied. This is inevitable. Most of this is according to Bruce Miles who blogged from day 1 at camp.
The first ST game will be at home in Mesa against a certain Dodger squad, not even 8 days from now. Feb. 25, 2:05 PM. And so it begins. Stay tuned for regular updates. I'll be doing one final, all-encompassing summation of my thoughts and expectations for this year's squad sometime before opening day as well. Giddy up.
--
Now, in no particular order, here are some deep thoughts I've had over the last week or two:
1.) Those of you who know me well and/or have ever been out to eat with me, will recognize this particular argument.
Attention Restaurants:
Stop putting lemons in my God Damn water if I don't ask for it.
How do we not get a choice in this matter? They just assume we all love citrus squeezed in our H2o? I don't want tangy water. I want my water to taste watery. I wouldn't smear a bunch of fucking ketchup on your steak without your permission. There have to be people out there allergic to lemons right? I guarantee it. This is a lawsuit waiting to happen. All I ask is that I be given a choice in the matter. How can this be permitted to continue? I know I'm not alone. Make yourselves heard people. Together, we can quash this injustice.
2.) Staying on the topic of juice, I have decided that concentrate has been unfairly deemed the trans-fat of the juice world. Since when is concentrate so hazardous to your health? Are there any experts out there? Are we just too cool for concentrate these days? Why has it gotten such a bad rap? What the fuck is so bad about concentrate? What has concentrate done to deserve this?
3.) I was standing out in the cold waiting for the El the other week and I noticed they had put some new ad posters up at the station which I frequent. They were advertisements for an upcoming charity walk against suicide. It occurred to me that placing suicide related posters by moving trains may have been a drastic oversight. I shit you not, in a terrible coincidence, I never got to board the train. They had to shut down the whole red line when someone got struck and killed two stops before me. No details as to whether this was suicide, accident, or murder, but regardless, I move to ban excessively morbid posters around giant metal speeding vehicles from this point forth.
4.) The more capital letters and exclamation points in an advertisement, especially job postings (sigh), the more bullshit. Do yourself a favor and just skip on by.
5.) Why do they still light up no smoking signs on airplanes? It's ridiculous enough that they still have the signs on there, but do they really have to light them up? Are there people rocking back in forth in their seats staring overhead, waiting for the light to go off? Just once, I'd like to hear the captain say the following:
"Well, we've reached our cruising altitude of 30,000 feet. Right now it's 75 degrees and sunny in Acapulco... and we expect to be rolling into the gate right on schedule about 3:15. Soon our flight attendants will be coming by to take your drink orders and offer some complementary snacks. At this point I'm gonna go ahead and turn off the no smoking sign. Feel free to take out all of your collective ciggarettes, cigars, and various other tobacco-related paraphenialia and vigorously suck down as much smoke as you see fit. Suzy will be coming around with a basket of matches in case you're unprepared. We realize you have a choice when flying, and we're glad you've chosen us."
Just leave the light off for Christ's sake. We get it. You're wasting valuable electrcity. I thought we were supposed to be going green?
6.) Guitar Hero must really be kicking themselves over that that little Risky Business athelete-laden ad they churned out a month or so back. What a roster:
-Admitted steroid abuser
-Captured bong practician
-Alleged rapist
-Skateboarder
Do we really want our children skateboarding?
Marvelous timing there Guitar Hero. Who would we assemble for the hall of fame, all-star criminal athlete commercial?
-The Juice
-Vick
-Rae Carruth
-Mike Tyson
Those are the first four that came to mind.
7.) Some of you may know I have recently had trouble finding a legitimate employer worthy of my extensive talents. Therefore, I will adopt a new practice.
I'm going to start cutting and pasting from the resumes of celebrities and world leaders. Picture this:
Work Experience
- Former Host at T.G.I. Fridays
- One time Assistant to Warehouse Manager at local pool supply distributor
- 5 time Mr. Universe champion
- Extensive Pizza Delivery Experience
- Won Academy Award for title role in '94 Spielburg classic, Forrest Gump
- Recent food service technician at college cafeteria
- Former member of high school yearbook squad
- Hosted "The Price Is Right" for 35 years
You get the idea.
8.) I had to drive to my lakehouse with our cat in the car this most recent weekend. She meowed a lot. This got me to thinking about cat names involving the word meow. Here are some I remember:
-Doogy Meowser
-Meow Gasol
-Robert Meowney Jr.
-Chairman Meow
-Marissa Tomeow
-New England Clam Meowder
-The Meow Jones Industrial Average
As always, I welcome suggestions. And photoshopping.
9.) Am I the only one sick of hearing people sing about Mt. Zion? I can't be. Just stop it already.
10.) CSI Miami is the closest thing on television to Walker Texas Ranger, with David Caruso being the closest thing to Chuck Norris.
11.) How in the world did two nuclear submarines and two space satellites collide with one another in successive weeks? I was under the impression that the ocean, and, um, space, were pretty big. Have I been mislead in this regard?
12.) My father once posed an interesting idea to me. If we can have a website devoted entirely to forming positive romantic relationships--eHarmony--can we not have an eChaos? How would such a site function? Do people hate other people so much that they would pay an online service to match them up with said people, people that they really reeeeeaaallllly hate, so that they could engage in mutual, organized badgering and hatred related activities? That way, they could meet at the beach and fight.
I don't think people would pay, but you could probably make money on advertising revenue.
That is all.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Epic
White Stripes version of "Let's Build A Home" back from their week-long stint on Conan back in 2003.
Not coincidentally, they have signed on to play the final "Late Night" performance February 20.
-via Pitchfork
The White Stripes
Uploaded by molivera
Not coincidentally, they have signed on to play the final "Late Night" performance February 20.
-via Pitchfork
The White Stripes
Uploaded by molivera
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
News Accidentally Makes Murder Silly
I just found this video posted on a very fine sports blog run by some very fine gentlemen who I attended high school with.
(Quick, everyone do the cha-cha slide! Let's go! Wildcats! Let's go Wildcats!)
Do yourselves a favor and check out their work:
http://www.madisonthree.blogspot.com/
And now, the aforementioned video:
(Quick, everyone do the cha-cha slide! Let's go! Wildcats! Let's go Wildcats!)
Do yourselves a favor and check out their work:
http://www.madisonthree.blogspot.com/
And now, the aforementioned video:
This Kid is PARTYIN'
Little boy messed up after dental surgery. Props to Zilla on the find.
There is one part in particular that made me laugh hysterically.
You'll know it when it comes.
There is one part in particular that made me laugh hysterically.
You'll know it when it comes.
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Lil Wayne and Katie Couric
Two names you associate with one another no? Katie Couric and Lil Wayne will be bowling with one another on her "All Access Grammy Special," and then Katie will ask Weezy questions.
No punchline necessary. It's must-see TV. Feb. 4th, CBS 9PM ET You're welcome CBS. Prepare for a massive surge in television ratings. Call it The Gettin' Place bump.
Peep the preview
Watch CBS Videos Online
No punchline necessary. It's must-see TV. Feb. 4th, CBS 9PM ET You're welcome CBS. Prepare for a massive surge in television ratings. Call it The Gettin' Place bump.
Peep the preview
Watch CBS Videos Online
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
What I'm Listening To
So 2009 is about a month deep at this point and there's not much other than the new Animal Collective and the Bon Iver EP that I've enjoyed.
-The new Andrew Bird is pleasant, but nothing special
-Antony and his voice do not mesh well with me
-Never been a huge Franz Ferdinand fan and so far my opinion is unchanged
-Late of the Pier album has a few good songs, but overall it sounds too campy, a bit cheesy, and it lacks substance.
I'm waiting for something to grab my attention. I streamed the new M. Ward (here) and much like the Bird disc, it was pretty, but nothing that captured my attention. Two upcoming releases I am excited about are the new ...And You Will Know Us disc due in early February as well as the Neko Case cd coming in March which I am very super pumped for.
Anyways, what do I do when nothing recent captures my interest? I dig back a bit. So here's what I've been playing the last few days. I'm on a mixtape/world music type binge:
Various Artists- Slumdog Millionaire OST
I suppose this is pretty current. See the movie first. AR Rahman, famed Bollywood music producer, delivers the goods here. Dancehall/electro/world/reggaeton type stuff, plus M.I.A. gets in on the action.
Wale- The Mixtape About Nothing and 100 Miles and Running
Pronounced WAH-lay, this DC rapper is seriously impressive. Closest comparison would be Black Thought, who he also credits as his favorite lyricist. Metaphors that hurt your brain delivered with a rolling swag. He's an ambitious dude too. The Mixtape About Nothing gathers its central theme from Seinfeld. No seriously, it does. And it works. Snippets of famous show audio are spliced in throughout and the over-arching themes of the series and some of its particularly notable episodes provide inspiration for the content in his verses. It shouldn't work, but it does. Peep the album cover.
Santogold and Diplo- Top Ranking and M.I.A. and Diplo- Piracy Funds Terrorism
Couple of badass mixtapes by Diplo primarily featuring two female artists often considered parallel with one another. Reggaeton, dancehall, new wave, and club rap songs are mixed in and remixed with Santogold's selftitled disc and M.I.A.'s Arular. Good for dance parties if you happen to have a world cuisine themed gathering. If you hold meetings of the model UN in your basement such tunes would also be appropriate. Actually, no they wouldn't. At all. Driving a dune buggie through the jungle with dual subwoofers. That's better.
Enjoy.
-The new Andrew Bird is pleasant, but nothing special
-Antony and his voice do not mesh well with me
-Never been a huge Franz Ferdinand fan and so far my opinion is unchanged
-Late of the Pier album has a few good songs, but overall it sounds too campy, a bit cheesy, and it lacks substance.
I'm waiting for something to grab my attention. I streamed the new M. Ward (here) and much like the Bird disc, it was pretty, but nothing that captured my attention. Two upcoming releases I am excited about are the new ...And You Will Know Us disc due in early February as well as the Neko Case cd coming in March which I am very super pumped for.
Anyways, what do I do when nothing recent captures my interest? I dig back a bit. So here's what I've been playing the last few days. I'm on a mixtape/world music type binge:
Various Artists- Slumdog Millionaire OST
I suppose this is pretty current. See the movie first. AR Rahman, famed Bollywood music producer, delivers the goods here. Dancehall/electro/world/reggaeton type stuff, plus M.I.A. gets in on the action.
Wale- The Mixtape About Nothing and 100 Miles and Running
Pronounced WAH-lay, this DC rapper is seriously impressive. Closest comparison would be Black Thought, who he also credits as his favorite lyricist. Metaphors that hurt your brain delivered with a rolling swag. He's an ambitious dude too. The Mixtape About Nothing gathers its central theme from Seinfeld. No seriously, it does. And it works. Snippets of famous show audio are spliced in throughout and the over-arching themes of the series and some of its particularly notable episodes provide inspiration for the content in his verses. It shouldn't work, but it does. Peep the album cover.
Santogold and Diplo- Top Ranking and M.I.A. and Diplo- Piracy Funds Terrorism
Couple of badass mixtapes by Diplo primarily featuring two female artists often considered parallel with one another. Reggaeton, dancehall, new wave, and club rap songs are mixed in and remixed with Santogold's selftitled disc and M.I.A.'s Arular. Good for dance parties if you happen to have a world cuisine themed gathering. If you hold meetings of the model UN in your basement such tunes would also be appropriate. Actually, no they wouldn't. At all. Driving a dune buggie through the jungle with dual subwoofers. That's better.
Enjoy.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Thoughts While NOT Watching Football On Sunday
Hi.
This last Sunday, there was a large void in my life. Probably yours too. There was zero football on. None whatsoever. It's been a long time since that happened. We all know what Sunday is. Tis' a day of rest. So what did I do? I watched TV. My internet was down and I don't have cable right now, so I had about 3 channels at my disposal. Here is a list of the type of things that occurred to me while watching really bad television for an extended period of time. As always, no logical order:
1.) "Whacked Out Sports" Have you ever seen this show? It's in the same vain as AFV or Real TV except it's nothing but people getting hurt performing sports-related activities. No babies or pets climbing inside boxes taking up valuable pain time. No wacky costumes or zany wedding videos to clutter things up. Just a healthy dose of catastrophe. Who or what could make such a show unwatchable you ask? (Well I should modify that statement. I watched it. Twice.) A narrator so painfully unfunny and saturated with sarcasm he makes you wish every unfortunate skateboarding accident the program documents had him directly involved. A voice that was forged in the fires of television hell. If Bob Saget is God, this, my friends, is the Anti-Christ.
Imagine if this bastard appeared out of the bushes to spew maddening puns every time you hurt yourself in real life. Like for example if I tripped over a crack in the sidewalk and smashed my face on concrete while vacationing in London he might tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle and quip something about me "not having a bloody good time." This is the first example that came to mind. I welcome suggestions.
2.) This commercial:
You would think the Mrs. would grow fed-up with all this penny pinching that borders on the brink of insanity. I want to see a version where rather than bring him a bag of dollar menu items after he jackhammers the family walkway, she slaps him in the face and serves him with divorce papers.
3.) Have you ever watched the Jeff Foxworthy hosted gameshow "Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader?" As far as gameshows go, it is very easy. Like, really, seriously not difficult. I've never seen anything like it. I'm not sure if anyone has ever won the million dollars, but I sure hope someone has, because if they haven't it does not reflect well on the national intelligence. I don't know what kind of draftpool they're using over at Fox Studios but I'm convinced it's not the cream of the crop. I suppose that's part of the shtick. Behold:
And then there's Kelli Pickler:
Foxworthy is actually the best part of this show. It must be tempting to be snarky with these people and he manages to avoid the trap while concurrently being amusing once in awhile. They sure put a lot of pressure on these kids though don't they? I anticipate hundreds of hours in future therapy and repressed memories. Couldn't you see one of these children costing someone hundreds of thousands of dollars only to be accosted with a Homer Simpson like strangle?
"You stupid little bastard!!! I'll choke the life out of you!! I have seventy-five grand in gambling debts and you don't know where fucking Budapest is?!! I got fired for drinking on the job!!! My wife won't return my phone calls! I've got nothing to live for!!!"
You get the idea. Hopefully Foxworthy carries a taser.
4.) Go see Slumdog Millionaire. It is everything a great movie should be. When you're done, buy the soundtrack, which includes this bangin' DFA remix of "Paper Planes":
5.) I love M*A*S*H*
6.) I HATE the Collorio family.
I don't care about your dysfunctional Italian family tree. Give me one of those sausages and shut your damn mouth.
7.) I can't believe the new head of the Republican Party's last name is Boehner. I know it's pronounced BAY-ner and I'm not anti-conservative or anything, but I still find it funny... mostly because whenever I see this guy speaking, he comes off like kind of a boner.
8.) Headline on local Fox News: "For the second time in two weeks, someone has died at a monster truck rally." 'Nuff said.
9.) What kind of life does The Undertaker live away from professional wrestling? He's been going at it for 25 years for God's sake!
Does this guy have a wife and kids? Does he enjoy a glass of Merlot from time to time? Any pets? What are his passions? Flamenco music?
10.) Go see "The Wrestler." Mickey Rourke is phenomenal. Him not winning Best Actor would be an absolute crime. Tomei is great too. Bruce Springsteen's track which he penned for the film after Rourke contacted him, also titled "The Wrestler," is a major triumph as well:
11.) You know that Samsung commercial where the old guy says "Quiet Beetleheads!" when everyone's talking during the big game? That phrase will now be incorporated into my everyday arsenal.
Starting.............. now.
12.) Where does Ryan Seacrest rank on your "Fight Club" list? He has to be like a universal top 25 right? It's not that he's even done anything that wrong. He just has a way about him. I suppose he did kinda mock that blind guy or whatever:
Here's how I wished it would have gone down:
Blind Man- "Don't patronize me Seacrest!!!" (Rips hand away, slugs Seacrest in jaw)
Ryan Seacrest- (Falls).
13.) Why do homeless people insist on staying in cold climates? If you're not completely insane you can find a way down south right? Train, hitchhike... something. What's to stop you? It's not like you have any serious commitments or prior engagements. You're homeless.
That is all.
This last Sunday, there was a large void in my life. Probably yours too. There was zero football on. None whatsoever. It's been a long time since that happened. We all know what Sunday is. Tis' a day of rest. So what did I do? I watched TV. My internet was down and I don't have cable right now, so I had about 3 channels at my disposal. Here is a list of the type of things that occurred to me while watching really bad television for an extended period of time. As always, no logical order:
1.) "Whacked Out Sports" Have you ever seen this show? It's in the same vain as AFV or Real TV except it's nothing but people getting hurt performing sports-related activities. No babies or pets climbing inside boxes taking up valuable pain time. No wacky costumes or zany wedding videos to clutter things up. Just a healthy dose of catastrophe. Who or what could make such a show unwatchable you ask? (Well I should modify that statement. I watched it. Twice.) A narrator so painfully unfunny and saturated with sarcasm he makes you wish every unfortunate skateboarding accident the program documents had him directly involved. A voice that was forged in the fires of television hell. If Bob Saget is God, this, my friends, is the Anti-Christ.
Imagine if this bastard appeared out of the bushes to spew maddening puns every time you hurt yourself in real life. Like for example if I tripped over a crack in the sidewalk and smashed my face on concrete while vacationing in London he might tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle and quip something about me "not having a bloody good time." This is the first example that came to mind. I welcome suggestions.
2.) This commercial:
You would think the Mrs. would grow fed-up with all this penny pinching that borders on the brink of insanity. I want to see a version where rather than bring him a bag of dollar menu items after he jackhammers the family walkway, she slaps him in the face and serves him with divorce papers.
3.) Have you ever watched the Jeff Foxworthy hosted gameshow "Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader?" As far as gameshows go, it is very easy. Like, really, seriously not difficult. I've never seen anything like it. I'm not sure if anyone has ever won the million dollars, but I sure hope someone has, because if they haven't it does not reflect well on the national intelligence. I don't know what kind of draftpool they're using over at Fox Studios but I'm convinced it's not the cream of the crop. I suppose that's part of the shtick. Behold:
And then there's Kelli Pickler:
Foxworthy is actually the best part of this show. It must be tempting to be snarky with these people and he manages to avoid the trap while concurrently being amusing once in awhile. They sure put a lot of pressure on these kids though don't they? I anticipate hundreds of hours in future therapy and repressed memories. Couldn't you see one of these children costing someone hundreds of thousands of dollars only to be accosted with a Homer Simpson like strangle?
"You stupid little bastard!!! I'll choke the life out of you!! I have seventy-five grand in gambling debts and you don't know where fucking Budapest is?!! I got fired for drinking on the job!!! My wife won't return my phone calls! I've got nothing to live for!!!"
You get the idea. Hopefully Foxworthy carries a taser.
4.) Go see Slumdog Millionaire. It is everything a great movie should be. When you're done, buy the soundtrack, which includes this bangin' DFA remix of "Paper Planes":
5.) I love M*A*S*H*
6.) I HATE the Collorio family.
I don't care about your dysfunctional Italian family tree. Give me one of those sausages and shut your damn mouth.
7.) I can't believe the new head of the Republican Party's last name is Boehner. I know it's pronounced BAY-ner and I'm not anti-conservative or anything, but I still find it funny... mostly because whenever I see this guy speaking, he comes off like kind of a boner.
8.) Headline on local Fox News: "For the second time in two weeks, someone has died at a monster truck rally." 'Nuff said.
9.) What kind of life does The Undertaker live away from professional wrestling? He's been going at it for 25 years for God's sake!
Does this guy have a wife and kids? Does he enjoy a glass of Merlot from time to time? Any pets? What are his passions? Flamenco music?
10.) Go see "The Wrestler." Mickey Rourke is phenomenal. Him not winning Best Actor would be an absolute crime. Tomei is great too. Bruce Springsteen's track which he penned for the film after Rourke contacted him, also titled "The Wrestler," is a major triumph as well:
11.) You know that Samsung commercial where the old guy says "Quiet Beetleheads!" when everyone's talking during the big game? That phrase will now be incorporated into my everyday arsenal.
Starting.............. now.
12.) Where does Ryan Seacrest rank on your "Fight Club" list? He has to be like a universal top 25 right? It's not that he's even done anything that wrong. He just has a way about him. I suppose he did kinda mock that blind guy or whatever:
Here's how I wished it would have gone down:
Blind Man- "Don't patronize me Seacrest!!!" (Rips hand away, slugs Seacrest in jaw)
Ryan Seacrest- (Falls).
13.) Why do homeless people insist on staying in cold climates? If you're not completely insane you can find a way down south right? Train, hitchhike... something. What's to stop you? It's not like you have any serious commitments or prior engagements. You're homeless.
That is all.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Someone Posing As Kanye West Is A Big Fan Of Bisexual Porn
Apparently there are legions of people interested in pretending to be Kanye West so they can make fake, outlandish statements to assorted media outlets, the latest of which "confesses" his desire to break into the porn industry. Yeeezy has a question for those people:
"Why can't you let me be great?"
Over on the blog Kanye revealed people have been hacking into his Gmail and MySpace, opening false Skype and Twitter accounts under his name, and stealing strands of his mullet in order to clone a new super army.
(Please let the mullet come back. Please? Imagine celebrities with mullets. Just pick one you find particularly silly and visualize. Funny isn't it? Tom Brokaw comes to mind... man I am really on a Brokaw kick lately...)
Anyways, Ye is pissed, and understandably so. You can peep his rant here.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Thoughts While Watching Way Too Much Inauguration Day Coverage
Alright then. No rhyme or reason here. Let's go.
1.) Non-inauguration-speech quote of the day: "He's just a cool dude. They like the way he moves." -Tom Brokaw on why the youth were so smitten with Barack Obama.
Am I the only one who immediately thinks of the Outkast song? I'm not am I. Can't you imagine a music video with Tom Brokaw wearing a big fur coat, rapping about President Obama and the greatest generation? You can't? Try harder. I'm convinced the world would be a better place if Tom Brokaw were to release a rap album. The cadence of his voice is unparalleled. Can we make this happen? YES WE CAN.
2.) "Yes We Can!" "Yes We Did!" "O-BA-MA!" Can we stop the mindless chanting at this point? Please. May I offer an alternative? Whenever Barack appears in a public setting let's all fucking sing "We Are the Champions" in unison. The chanting needs to stop. Sure, chanting can be fun. Have I ever chanted? Of course. Who doesn't love a chant now and then? But all good things in moderation people! You don't like that guy at the ballpark who keeps trying to start chants all the time do you? No, of course you don't. You don't wanna be that guy.
A question: Does this dramatic spike in chanting have anything to do with all these tri-syllabic phrases? Somebody draw up a study. Who do you think had the least chantable surname in presidential history? My vote goes to Eisenhower. The most comedic? Bush.
Haha, Bush.
3.) How much would you pay to know what kind of conversations Barack and G-Dub have had in private? If I were a wealthy man I would pay a hefty sum for such a transcript. They don't seem like the most compatible duo, am I right? I smell a sitcom!!!
4.) Helicopters are crazy.
5.) Hey Chief Justice John Roberts: If you're too cool to use any notes when SWEARING IN THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES, you better have a good enough memory to remember like, one paragraph of dialogue. You reminded me of Jeff Gordon trying to sing "Take Me Out To The Ballgame."
6.) What kind of food did they serve at that luncheon? Christ. Senators were dropping like flies. It's either that or Ted Kennedy swallowed an alka-seltzer like that guy in Eraser. Too soon?
7.) How sick is that new armored Cadillac limo? Can I get an over/under on how many rappers are going to mention it and or attempt to buy it in the coming months? I'm setting the bar at 5.
8.) Being in the Secret Service seems like a pretty sweet gig. If Sinbad can do it, why can't I?
9.) There seemed to be an abnormal amount of personal anecdotes while the NBC news team attempted to fill loads of inevitable silence throughout the afternoon. It must be tough to provide worthwhile content during a day of events filled with such an abundance of downtime and potentially boring live coverage. I don't blame them for rambling. It must be hard. I was hoping for just one wildly inappropriate, non-related yarn where Brian Williams would recount the time he did a bunch of mescaline and set a goat on fire, but it never came to fruition. Maybe next election.
10.) Initially it was very touching stuff, but let's stop rounding up every African-American woman over the age of 75, telling her to say how she never thought she'd see the day, and calling it a news story. I don't mean to sound cynical, but after watching a more-than-hearty share of election and inauguration coverage, I've had my fill. I hoped they'd find one incredibly cute old lady who'd had this year marked on her calendar for decades, but she never appeared. Ms. Cleo, I'm looking at you. Over 75? Not so much. But I like to think her wisdom adds at least 20 years.
11.) Quote from Obama's inauguration speech that I felt was most poignant to our time, stood out above the rest, will have the most historical staying power: "To those leaders around the world who seek to sow conflict, or blame their society's ills on the West--know that your people will judge you on what you can build, not what you destroy."
12.) Random, hilarious news headline I found while searching for inauguration pictures: "Vomiting Birds Save Icebox Pair Adrift For 25 Days"
Here's Obama's inauguration speech in full.
And here's a video that remixes Daft Punk's "Aerodynamic"-- a version that doesn't vary far from the original except for some presidential spelling--using stop-motion animation and some crazy legos:
Daft Punk vs. Adam Freeland - "Aer OBAMA" from Gold Greendot on Vimeo.
That is all.
The Felix Pie Trade
The former Cubs #1 prospect and one-time center fielder of the future is no more. Pie was traded on Sunday to Baltimore, a team that has shown interest in his services for some time, for two arms: lefty Garrett Olson and righty Hank Williamson.
Olson has had a rough go of it since being prematurely thrust into a starting role with the Orioles. Peep the minor league stats versus the majors:
Minors (383.2 IP, 71 appearances): 12-10, 2.96 ERA, 9.0 K/9
2008 after promotion to the bigs: (26 starts, 132.2 IP): 9-10, 6.65 ERA
Williamson is a big boy (6-5, 233lbs.) who posted some solid power stats in Single A ball last year: 42 K's in 29 IP, BAA of .221
So what does this all mean? Well, when the Cubs signed Joey Gathright they essentially ended the Pie era here in Chicago. It was only a matter of when, to who, and for what he would be traded. Andy MacPhail (remember him?) has long shown interest in Felix, and the Orioles have been tied to him since those incessant Brian Roberts rumors first began to surface. Personally, I feel as though Pie never really got enough of a chance. He is still young by prospect standards and already has shown plus speed, plus defense, and a plus arm at the big league level. If you compare his major and minor league stats with Soriano's at this age, he even has a slight advantage. If he can develop some solid power (he'll never have the patience for the leadoff spot) he could really blossom. We shall see. The Cubs remain a team in "win-now" mode, and any Lou Piniella managed team in "win-now" mode is not going to tolerate the offensive struggles of a prospect like Pie. There simply weren't enough innings available for him to learn on the job. Lou generally has a "shit-or-get-off-the-pot" attitude with his non-star players. Unfortunately for Felix, he was a bit constipated. It'll be interesting to see how he fares when given a starting slot, which, in all likelihood, will be the case in Baltimore.
All stats aside, what did we get in return? In Olson we have a potential lefty mid-rotation guy with Sean Marshall/Rich Hill type stuff. Williamson projects as a power bullpen piece with a live arm. The key to all this however is that Kevin Towers, GM of the Padres, has previously expressed interest in Olson. Therefore the hope is that this is another precursor to a Peavy trade. Let's hope that's the case. The ideal trade would probably send Olson, Jeff Stevens (arm acquired from Cle. in the DeRo deal), Cedeno, Kevin Hart and maybe one other piece--please God not Josh Vitters--to San Diego for Peavy. If Hendry could spin this deal with any 5th man other than Vitters, I would be pretty damn happy. Here's hoping it's on the way.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Thoughts/Observations After Watching Football All Weekend
First let me say thanks to those of you who contributed to the reader input post. As a result of your requests, the following will now be staples here at the website:
1.) Pictures of me wearing clothes
2.) Videos of me in the shower
3.) People doing monkey stuff
4.) In-depth Cricket coverage
5.) Photos of my poop
Ask and you shall receive.
Moving on. Here's some things I thought of while watching football all weekend in the order they originally came to me:
1.) Hey Howie Long. Stop making fun of strangers for not having Chevy trucks. You snarky bastard. How furious would you be if something like this were to happen to you in real life? Well I take it back. You'd probably be too confused to be angry. Example:
Me (sitting in traffic in my non-Chevy truck): Come on! Move people!
Howie Long taps on my window. I roll my window down.
Me(shocked, confused): Howie Long?
Howie: Hows your gas mileage?
Me: Excuse me?
Howie: Mine's better. My engine's bigger too.
Me: Where did you come from anyway? Did you just abandon your truck in the middle of traffic to come harass me?
Howie: Nice manicure. Doosh.
Me: What the?- It's not a manicure dammit! Stop making fun of me Howie Long! Christ, get out of here! Broken Arrow was cool but Firestorm fucking sucked!
You see? You'd be shocked wouldn't you. Shocked and hurt.
I have to take back that Firestorm knock though. I lost my temper and said something I didn't mean. It happens.
2.) Why are all the talking heads insisting that Edgerrin James and the Cards running game is suddenly a factor? It's still no good. The team numbers:
vs. ATL: 28 car, 86 yds, 3.1 avg.
vs. CAR: 43 car, 145 yds, 3.4 avg.
The second game was a little better, but most of that was in garbage time against a team that had already quit.
3.) Joe Flacco is just ok. One day he may be good. Even very good. Right now? He's just ok. So everybody just chill out on the Flacco boner.
4.) Geico. I am calling out your head of advertising. What is this money-with-the-googly eyes shit you're peddling? It's not funny. At all. You think just because you made one, maybe two funny ads about some fucking cavemen that you can wake up hungover and throw together some ad campaign about a stack of dollar bills with fucking googly eyes, add some techno music, and everyone will lap it up like it's hilarious! Try harder dammit! I have no respect for anyone who enjoys these commercials. It reminds me of this:
5.)
This fucking guy pisses me off. Why? Come on. Just look at him. I bet he pisses you off too. I thought it was impossible to make T.G.I. Fridays more obnoxious and less appetizing. I was wrong. Mission Accomplished.
That is all.
1.) Pictures of me wearing clothes
2.) Videos of me in the shower
3.) People doing monkey stuff
4.) In-depth Cricket coverage
5.) Photos of my poop
Ask and you shall receive.
Moving on. Here's some things I thought of while watching football all weekend in the order they originally came to me:
1.) Hey Howie Long. Stop making fun of strangers for not having Chevy trucks. You snarky bastard. How furious would you be if something like this were to happen to you in real life? Well I take it back. You'd probably be too confused to be angry. Example:
Me (sitting in traffic in my non-Chevy truck): Come on! Move people!
Howie Long taps on my window. I roll my window down.
Me(shocked, confused): Howie Long?
Howie: Hows your gas mileage?
Me: Excuse me?
Howie: Mine's better. My engine's bigger too.
Me: Where did you come from anyway? Did you just abandon your truck in the middle of traffic to come harass me?
Howie: Nice manicure. Doosh.
Me: What the?- It's not a manicure dammit! Stop making fun of me Howie Long! Christ, get out of here! Broken Arrow was cool but Firestorm fucking sucked!
You see? You'd be shocked wouldn't you. Shocked and hurt.
I have to take back that Firestorm knock though. I lost my temper and said something I didn't mean. It happens.
2.) Why are all the talking heads insisting that Edgerrin James and the Cards running game is suddenly a factor? It's still no good. The team numbers:
vs. ATL: 28 car, 86 yds, 3.1 avg.
vs. CAR: 43 car, 145 yds, 3.4 avg.
The second game was a little better, but most of that was in garbage time against a team that had already quit.
3.) Joe Flacco is just ok. One day he may be good. Even very good. Right now? He's just ok. So everybody just chill out on the Flacco boner.
4.) Geico. I am calling out your head of advertising. What is this money-with-the-googly eyes shit you're peddling? It's not funny. At all. You think just because you made one, maybe two funny ads about some fucking cavemen that you can wake up hungover and throw together some ad campaign about a stack of dollar bills with fucking googly eyes, add some techno music, and everyone will lap it up like it's hilarious! Try harder dammit! I have no respect for anyone who enjoys these commercials. It reminds me of this:
5.)
This fucking guy pisses me off. Why? Come on. Just look at him. I bet he pisses you off too. I thought it was impossible to make T.G.I. Fridays more obnoxious and less appetizing. I was wrong. Mission Accomplished.
That is all.
Friday, January 9, 2009
Reader Input
So. People. What's up?
What would you like to see The Gettin' Place offer? Here are some possibilities:
1.) Daily/weekly new music or "What I'm listening to" posts
2.) Fiction by yours truly and others both notable and unknown
4.) Commentary on current events
5.) Broader sports talk
6.) Personal, comedic accounts of the past and more recent zany exploits of my cohorts and I (You'd be anonymous cohorts. Relax.)
Just a few of my own ideas. If you could tell me what you like, don't like, want more of, would like to see, it would go a long way in making The Gettin' Place a better, um, place, to dick around on the world-wide-inter-super-high-web-o-sphere-net.
So I encourage, nay demand... no, that's too strong. Beg? No, too needy. Dammit.
Forget I said anything. Just leave some suggestions here.
That's right. I just Rick Roll'd the shit out of my own audience. That's how I do.
Now if you aren't too offended, I would greatly appreciate it if you would leave your advice in the section marked "comments" underneath this post.
Cheers.
-JDP
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Oh How Happy This Makes Me
I'm not going to tell you what this is. I'm not even going to give you a hint. It's better that way. It's safe for work if you happen to be in the office.
Go. Watch. Now.
Go. Watch. Now.
Colin Munroe ft. Joell Ortiz- Piano Lessons
More proof that Black Milk can make anything sound dope.
Bon Iver EP
Anybody else think that if we threw a helmet and a #18 Bears jersey on Justin Vernon he could easily pass for Kyle Orton? The resemblance is uncanny!Fresh off his #1 album of the year commendation from The Gettin' Place, Vernon and the Bon Iver troop now return with a four song EP entitled Blood Bank, due out on January 20th. Here's a brief rundown:
"Blood Bank" and "Beach Baby" are awesome, traditional Bon Iver tunes. The former employs a specific, storytelling lyrical style that was generally absent on For Emma while the latter features some distorted, warbling pedal steel.
"Babys" opens with a redundant piano line which gradually opens up as Vernon's falsetto jumps into the mix along with an acoustic.
"Woods" is the real oddball of the bunch for it's essentially an a cappella song featuring Vernon's voice multi-tracked all over the place. With auto-tune. No joke.
Enjoy.
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
This Woman HATES Watermelon
Here at The Gettin' Place, we try and keep things highbrow.
What's the point of living if we can't be a part of a civilized, sophisticated society?
In a world perpetually devoid of good taste, we try and bring a smidge of much-needed class to the table.
Now watch this big boobed Mexican woman smash the shit out of a watermelon with one of her boobs and then eat a slice of the boob-crushed watermelon.
What's the point of living if we can't be a part of a civilized, sophisticated society?
In a world perpetually devoid of good taste, we try and bring a smidge of much-needed class to the table.
Now watch this big boobed Mexican woman smash the shit out of a watermelon with one of her boobs and then eat a slice of the boob-crushed watermelon.
Return From Hiatus
I've been vacationing and attending to other matters recently. Haven't been in the mood to blog lately. For those of you saying, "Well, you get in the mood!"... I will try.
So here's a brief recap of things that have happened since I've been out of commission:
1. Cubs send DeRo away to the Indians to join Woody, receive prospect arms
2. Cubs sign utility guys Joey Gathright, Aaron Miles
3. Cubs sign Gameboard (Milton Bradley) to three year, $30 mil. deal
4. Cubs send Marquis to Rockies for bullpen arm (Vizcaino) and cap space
The following is a very brief summary of how I feel regarding these respective moves:
1. Fuck! Fuck shit dammit! Better be a greater plan in motion...
2. Hooray. How thrilling. At least Gathright can jump over cars:
3. Not my #1 choice (I was partial to Dunn the Big Donkey) but we'll see. If he stays healthy he will rake and bring some more swag to the North Side.
4. Fine with it.
What else? Oh, Animal Collective released the first great album of 2009, Merriweather Post Pavillion. Perhaps the best track from this new offering, "My Girls," can be heard here, at their MySpace.
I discovered Detroit rapper Black Milk and his late 2008 release Tronic. It's a dope beat extravaganza. Start off with "Long Story Short," "Hell Yeah," "Overdose," "The Matrix," and my personal favorite "Bond 4 Life." Headphones highly recommended. You can stream the whole album from his MySpace here.
Oh yea. And the Bears lost. Fuck.
Well that oughta do it for now. Here's a music video some of my Colorado companions made to accompany Rick Astley's under-appreciated tour-de-force, "Together Forever." As they put it, it's "The tale of two young lads who discover the magic of friendship with the help of everyone's favorite musician." Sounds good to me. Hit it:
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