Shitshow: Vikings 34, Bears 14

The highlight of Sunday night's divisional showdown?

No, it was not an electrifying Devin Hester return or a juke-littered Matt Forte touchdown scamper. Neither were anywhere to be found. Instead, the chief highlight came from the broadcast booth in the form of one of John Madden's all-time most hilarious quotes:

Big John confidently asserted that "Charles Tillman is one of the best strippers in the National Football League."

May I make a request? When Madden inevitably passes and they start to roll out the highlight compilation videos, can that soundbite serve as the finale to each and every montage? I vote yes. I believe he later claimed that Adrian Peterson "is the type of player a Coach wants to take home with him." Christ John, take it easy. Maybe sit the next few plays out? I was waiting for something along the lines of "Jared Allen strikes me as the type of guy who has an enormous penis." Certainly a little more blatant, but I can't say I would have been surprised. Just imagine if Jason Witten had been involved in this contest. The booth would have been stickier than that internet trailer where Randy Marsh was attacked by the spooky ghost.

My second proposition: From this point forward, any Madden commentated telecast must contain a minimum of three awkward, accidental sexual-innuendo puns. Somebody needs to write this into his contract.

Moving Forward.

As for the game? Biggest loss of the season. It's rare when you can legitimately say that a game is lost in the second quarter, but that's where I stand with tonight's disaster. Is anyone else starting to lose their patience with the Lovie Smith perpetually-furrowed-brow-confusion face? I certainly am. Every fucking time after something atrocious goes down or he makes another boneheaded decision, they pan right to him. 

I better stand here and look mildly displeased. Maybe I should walk over this way? Yes, let's try that. Oh I wonder if they have me on the jumbotron? Crap there I am. Suppose I better walk back over this way. Just keep furrowing that brow. There we go, nice and wrinkled. Now squint a little and look off into the stands like there's something there I should be looking at... good, that's better. Better adjust my headset. Okay, and now for the crossing of the arms... Alrighty, looking good! Gotta keep cool, stay collected. Must maintain that composure.

The following things were all terribly wrong with that little coaching clinic put on toward the end of the second half:

1. Take the field goal for fuck's sake. How many times have we watched teams try and "impose their will" or "set the tone" by running it up the middle on goal line fourth downs this year only to fail miserably? Seriously, I would like to see that stat.

2.) Perhaps some kind of pass play might be in order against arguably the best goal line run stuffing team in football?

3.) I know what we need! Let's run a fullback dive with Jason Davis- you know, that guy we signed off the practice squad yesterday? Yes, I can see it now. We'll run him right up the middle against those Williamses everyone is always carrying on about. Why? Because we come off the bus running that's why.

Then came the terrible zone defense by Babich and a crap coverage read from Tillman that left Berrian wide open on a streak down the sideline. And that was it. A 14 point swing, the longest pass play in Vikes history, and a dagger right in the throat of any and all momentum we had established. Sure it didn't help that Kyle had a very poor outing and that the defense continues to be fisted by AP with no remorse (insert Madden sex joke), but I am convinced we were doomed the minute Berrian crossed the end zone.

That's all for now.

Now watch how many times Madden manages to say "bootleg" in this video from Superbowl XL. In the second part alone, he actually utters the word "bootleg" 7 times in 18 seconds. I am convinced this word has now lost all meaning for me, however I now find it infinitely more amusing and will probably laugh from now on anytime someone mentions anything about a "bootleg" or any "bootleg" related activities: