Stuff

Stuff. I like that word. It would make a good band name. Anyways, that's what this post will be filled with. Stuff. It is jam-packed with all sorts of stuff. You might even say it's stuffed. Stuffed with stuff. Sigh. Let's go.



This is one of the new advertisements for the '09 season. This one was my particular favorite, mostly because it is painfully true. It's all about delayed gratification though. That's how I like to look at it. I think we shitty-winter inhabitants appreciate the joys of summer more than those who see warmth as a God-given right. We earn our sunshine dammit. Which leads me to my main point here:

SPRING TRAINING HAS BEGUN!

Thank Jeebus. No real news at this point. Lou says he might drop Sori down in the order. Sori says he's o.k. with it. Stop me if you've heard this before. I'll believe it when I see it for more than a several game stint. In my opinion, the only real in-house option is Theriot, a man whose baserunning woes are well documented, and who many feel, myself included, may have been playing over his head last year. What else... Z still hasn't had Lasik on his right eye, but is considering it. He now has a mustache. Rich Harden is throwing but they're "keeping an eye on him" or whatever. He will be babied. This is inevitable. Most of this is according to Bruce Miles who blogged from day 1 at camp.

The first ST game will be at home in Mesa against a certain Dodger squad, not even 8 days from now. Feb. 25, 2:05 PM. And so it begins. Stay tuned for regular updates. I'll be doing one final, all-encompassing summation of my thoughts and expectations for this year's squad sometime before opening day as well. Giddy up.

--

Now, in no particular order, here are some deep thoughts I've had over the last week or two:


1.) Those of you who know me well and/or have ever been out to eat with me, will recognize this particular argument.

Attention Restaurants:

Stop putting lemons in my God Damn water if I don't ask for it.

How do we not get a choice in this matter? They just assume we all love citrus squeezed in our H2o? I don't want tangy water. I want my water to taste watery. I wouldn't smear a bunch of fucking ketchup on your steak without your permission. There have to be people out there allergic to lemons right? I guarantee it. This is a lawsuit waiting to happen. All I ask is that I be given a choice in the matter. How can this be permitted to continue? I know I'm not alone. Make yourselves heard people. Together, we can quash this injustice.

2.) Staying on the topic of juice, I have decided that concentrate has been unfairly deemed the trans-fat of the juice world. Since when is concentrate so hazardous to your health? Are there any experts out there? Are we just too cool for concentrate these days? Why has it gotten such a bad rap? What the fuck is so bad about concentrate? What has concentrate done to deserve this?

3.) I was standing out in the cold waiting for the El the other week and I noticed they had put some new ad posters up at the station which I frequent. They were advertisements for an upcoming charity walk against suicide. It occurred to me that placing suicide related posters by moving trains may have been a drastic oversight. I shit you not, in a terrible coincidence, I never got to board the train. They had to shut down the whole red line when someone got struck and killed two stops before me. No details as to whether this was suicide, accident, or murder, but regardless, I move to ban excessively morbid posters around giant metal speeding vehicles from this point forth.

4.) The more capital letters and exclamation points in an advertisement, especially job postings (sigh), the more bullshit. Do yourself a favor and just skip on by.

5.) Why do they still light up no smoking signs on airplanes? It's ridiculous enough that they still have the signs on there, but do they really have to light them up? Are there people rocking back in forth in their seats staring overhead, waiting for the light to go off? Just once, I'd like to hear the captain say the following:

"Well, we've reached our cruising altitude of 30,000 feet. Right now it's 75 degrees and sunny in Acapulco... and we expect to be rolling into the gate right on schedule about 3:15. Soon our flight attendants will be coming by to take your drink orders and offer some complementary snacks. At this point I'm gonna go ahead and turn off the no smoking sign. Feel free to take out all of your collective ciggarettes, cigars, and various other tobacco-related paraphenialia and vigorously suck down as much smoke as you see fit. Suzy will be coming around with a basket of matches in case you're unprepared. We realize you have a choice when flying, and we're glad you've chosen us."

Just leave the light off for Christ's sake. We get it. You're wasting valuable electrcity. I thought we were supposed to be going green?

6.) Guitar Hero must really be kicking themselves over that that little Risky Business athelete-laden ad they churned out a month or so back. What a roster:

-Admitted steroid abuser
-Captured bong practician
-Alleged rapist
-Skateboarder

Do we really want our children skateboarding?





Marvelous timing there Guitar Hero. Who would we assemble for the hall of fame, all-star criminal athlete commercial?

-The Juice
-Vick
-Rae Carruth
-Mike Tyson

Those are the first four that came to mind.


7.) Some of you may know I have recently had trouble finding a legitimate employer worthy of my extensive talents. Therefore, I will adopt a new practice.

I'm going to start cutting and pasting from the resumes of celebrities and world leaders. Picture this:

Work Experience

- Former Host at T.G.I. Fridays
- One time Assistant to Warehouse Manager at local pool supply distributor
- 5 time Mr. Universe champion
- Extensive Pizza Delivery Experience
- Won Academy Award for title role in '94 Spielburg classic, Forrest Gump
- Recent food service technician at college cafeteria
- Former member of high school yearbook squad
- Hosted "The Price Is Right" for 35 years

You get the idea.

8.) I had to drive to my lakehouse with our cat in the car this most recent weekend. She meowed a lot. This got me to thinking about cat names involving the word meow. Here are some I remember:


-Doogy Meowser
-Meow Gasol
-Robert Meowney Jr.
-Chairman Meow
-Marissa Tomeow
-New England Clam Meowder
-The Meow Jones Industrial Average

As always, I welcome suggestions. And photoshopping.

9.) Am I the only one sick of hearing people sing about Mt. Zion? I can't be. Just stop it already.

10.) CSI Miami is the closest thing on television to Walker Texas Ranger, with David Caruso being the closest thing to Chuck Norris.





11.) How in the world did two nuclear submarines and two space satellites collide with one another in successive weeks? I was under the impression that the ocean, and, um, space, were pretty big. Have I been mislead in this regard?

12.) My father once posed an interesting idea to me. If we can have a website devoted entirely to forming positive romantic relationships--eHarmony--can we not have an eChaos? How would such a site function? Do people hate other people so much that they would pay an online service to match them up with said people, people that they really reeeeeaaallllly hate, so that they could engage in mutual, organized badgering and hatred related activities? That way, they could meet at the beach and fight.

I don't think people would pay, but you could probably make money on advertising revenue.


That is all.