This last Sunday, there was a large void in my life. Probably yours too. There was zero football on. None whatsoever. It's been a long time since that happened. We all know what Sunday is. Tis' a day of rest. So what did I do? I watched TV. My internet was down and I don't have cable right now, so I had about 3 channels at my disposal. Here is a list of the type of things that occurred to me while watching really bad television for an extended period of time. As always, no logical order:
1.) "Whacked Out Sports" Have you ever seen this show? It's in the same vain as AFV or Real TV except it's nothing but people getting hurt performing sports-related activities. No babies or pets climbing inside boxes taking up valuable pain time. No wacky costumes or zany wedding videos to clutter things up. Just a healthy dose of catastrophe. Who or what could make such a show unwatchable you ask? (Well I should modify that statement. I watched it. Twice.) A narrator so painfully unfunny and saturated with sarcasm he makes you wish every unfortunate skateboarding accident the program documents had him directly involved. A voice that was forged in the fires of television hell. If Bob Saget is God, this, my friends, is the Anti-Christ.
Imagine if this bastard appeared out of the bushes to spew maddening puns every time you hurt yourself in real life. Like for example if I tripped over a crack in the sidewalk and smashed my face on concrete while vacationing in London he might tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle and quip something about me "not having a bloody good time." This is the first example that came to mind. I welcome suggestions.
2.) This commercial:
You would think the Mrs. would grow fed-up with all this penny pinching that borders on the brink of insanity. I want to see a version where rather than bring him a bag of dollar menu items after he jackhammers the family walkway, she slaps him in the face and serves him with divorce papers.
3.) Have you ever watched the Jeff Foxworthy hosted gameshow "Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader?" As far as gameshows go, it is very easy. Like, really, seriously not difficult. I've never seen anything like it. I'm not sure if anyone has ever won the million dollars, but I sure hope someone has, because if they haven't it does not reflect well on the national intelligence. I don't know what kind of draftpool they're using over at Fox Studios but I'm convinced it's not the cream of the crop. I suppose that's part of the shtick. Behold:
And then there's Kelli Pickler:
Foxworthy is actually the best part of this show. It must be tempting to be snarky with these people and he manages to avoid the trap while concurrently being amusing once in awhile. They sure put a lot of pressure on these kids though don't they? I anticipate hundreds of hours in future therapy and repressed memories. Couldn't you see one of these children costing someone hundreds of thousands of dollars only to be accosted with a Homer Simpson like strangle?
"You stupid little bastard!!! I'll choke the life out of you!! I have seventy-five grand in gambling debts and you don't know where fucking Budapest is?!! I got fired for drinking on the job!!! My wife won't return my phone calls! I've got nothing to live for!!!"
You get the idea. Hopefully Foxworthy carries a taser.
4.) Go see Slumdog Millionaire. It is everything a great movie should be. When you're done, buy the soundtrack, which includes this bangin' DFA remix of "Paper Planes":
5.) I love M*A*S*H*
6.) I HATE the Collorio family.
I don't care about your dysfunctional Italian family tree. Give me one of those sausages and shut your damn mouth.
7.) I can't believe the new head of the Republican Party's last name is Boehner. I know it's pronounced BAY-ner and I'm not anti-conservative or anything, but I still find it funny... mostly because whenever I see this guy speaking, he comes off like kind of a boner.
8.) Headline on local Fox News: "For the second time in two weeks, someone has died at a monster truck rally." 'Nuff said.
9.) What kind of life does The Undertaker live away from professional wrestling? He's been going at it for 25 years for God's sake!
Does this guy have a wife and kids? Does he enjoy a glass of Merlot from time to time? Any pets? What are his passions? Flamenco music?
10.) Go see "The Wrestler." Mickey Rourke is phenomenal. Him not winning Best Actor would be an absolute crime. Tomei is great too. Bruce Springsteen's track which he penned for the film after Rourke contacted him, also titled "The Wrestler," is a major triumph as well:
11.) You know that Samsung commercial where the old guy says "Quiet Beetleheads!" when everyone's talking during the big game? That phrase will now be incorporated into my everyday arsenal.
Starting.............. now.
12.) Where does Ryan Seacrest rank on your "Fight Club" list? He has to be like a universal top 25 right? It's not that he's even done anything that wrong. He just has a way about him. I suppose he did kinda mock that blind guy or whatever:
Here's how I wished it would have gone down:
Blind Man- "Don't patronize me Seacrest!!!" (Rips hand away, slugs Seacrest in jaw)
Ryan Seacrest- (Falls).
13.) Why do homeless people insist on staying in cold climates? If you're not completely insane you can find a way down south right? Train, hitchhike... something. What's to stop you? It's not like you have any serious commitments or prior engagements. You're homeless.
That is all.
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7 comments:
Very entertaining but nothing about Blagos hair?
nice comment about the homeless. very classy.
1.) What else can be said about Blago at this point? He's batshit crazy and it looks like he has a hamster living within the crest of his skull. I thought about talking up his ceaseless jogging, maybe I'll touch on that.
2.) Mike do I detect sarcasm? Did I hit a nerve? Did you used to be homeless? If so, maybe you can tell me why you didn't move to Florida.
The homeless and I get along very well. I think my question is perfectly logical.
thanks for the comment on paul/williams, i can't get any ubiased opinions around here on the matter. I don't work for the jazz, rather a newspaper in salt lake that covers them quite heavily. Thanks again for checking out the blog.
I feel I deserve credit for two of these monumental blog entries... 1) the slumdog soundtrack which I so graciously bought and burnt for you... 2) the homeless conversation. I believe that took place between you and I on our way "home" from an overpriced DOC brunch. Thank you, that is all.
Also... I feel like I need a different alias. And another, I watched bits and separated pieces of the wrestler just last night. Acting was great. At one point I cried... Too many staples though. I need to watch it seated in full again to get the full effect.
If I had the transcript of our homeless convo I would've included it, highlighted by your confident assertion that you would "make a great homeless person." Yes it didn't take place on Saturday, but it came to me again on Sunday and I was too lazy to write a disclaimer. You got me.
You didn't burn me the disc. You burnt it for everyone else though... (gently sobbing).
I'll try and come up with a fun alias for you.
Yea, the staples are brutal. That whole weapons match is brutal. But you should watch it anyway KY, it'll toughen you up.
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